
saw the gauges registering in the red zone of the heart. I am not being
facile, either. Life itself is fine-tuning. Marriage, that, times two.
Life starts to go bad when irony begins. Or is it the converse? The
ironies in our life began with my first lover outside marriage: a classmate of
Victoria's from the university who came to our apartment one night to discuss
a project they were doing together on Josef Hoffmann.
Victoria's first lover? Naturally, an actor I introduced her to, who
owned a lot of Josef Hoffmann-designed furniture.
Having an affair is like trying to hide an alligator under the bed. It
is much too dangerous and big to be there, it sure doesn't _fit_, and no
matter how carefully you try to conceal it, some part of the beast inevitably
sticks out, is seen, sends everyone running and screaming.
The last time we traveled together was to America to get a divorce.
Victoria said divorce was never having to say you're sorry . . . again.
After it was over, my family urged me to stay with them in Atlanta
awhile, but I used pain as my excuse to escape to Vienna: My friends were
there, my work, everything. So I returned to the town as if it were an old
best friend who would put its arms around me and, over drinks, listen
sympathetically to my problems.
I was thirty, and that is a turning point for anyone, even those not
freshly divorced and out on the track again.
Nicholas and some other nice people were wonderful. They squired me
around, fed me lots of delicious meals, often called late at night to make
sure I wasn't leaning too far out the window . . .
At one of those dinners, someone asked me if I knew how flamingoes got
their color. I didn't. Apparently those funny, long-legged birds are not
naturally that psychedelic coral pink. They're born a sort of dirty white. But
from the beginning, they exist on a diet of plants rich in carotene, "a red
hydrocarbon." If you are a flamingo, you turn from white to pink when you eat
enough carotene.
Anyway, the image fascinated me. I kept thinking I had gone through
almost a decade with Victoria, largely unaware of either our original colors
or the shade our relationship had eventually turned us after all that time
together.
And almost more important, what color was I then, back in Vienna, alone?
To go from a good marriage to a stranger's bed was a pretty big change from a
"carotene diet." It is not only God who is in the details, it is also very
much us.
It was time for me to pay attention to those details. Next time around,
assuming I would be lucky enough to have another chance at a shared lifetime
with someone, I would know the color of my skin (and heart!) before offering
it to another.
Did that mean carrying a hand mirror with me at all times so I could see
myself from every angle? No, nothing so drastic or inane. Self-examination is
usually a half-hearted, spontaneous thing we do when we're either scared or
bored. As a result, whatever conclusions we reach are distorted either by a
clumsy urgency or a listless sigh. But in my own case, I simply wanted to be
less surprised by what I did _after_ I did it.
About six months after I returned to Austria, luck, like a boomerang,
came flying back to me on a wide slow arc. The movie I had been commissioned
to write was shot. For some unknown, delightful reason, it did great business
in Italy and Spain. Its success led to another Nicholas Sylvian-Walker
Easterling collaboration that happened at just the right time. I also liked
the idea of this new one more, so the actual writing came much more easily. It
was a romantic comedy and I was able to plug many of my own good memories into
the story. Another time, those memories would have left me feeling blue and
failed. But integrating them into a film world that ended happily, with a long
kiss and a fortune in the pocket of the lovers was the best way to relive that
part of the recent past.
The film was never made, but it led to another producer, another script,