Tony Chandler - Ramaas, Planet Of Adventure

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Ramaas, Planet of Adventure

by Tony Chandler

It was the greatest contribution known by the human race, the supreme epitome of

human technology. The monument's fame had spread until it had even been added to that

most prestigious of honors, ranked as one of the 'Wonders of the Known Galaxy'. It

beckoned even as I gazed at the splashy advertisement Beamed up from Ramaas, Planet

of Adventure.

Excelsior!

The biggest, meanest, most mind-boggling roller coaster ever constructed, wrapping its twin

magneto-rails from the peak of Mount Excelsior down to its broad flanks and distant valley

below. And that famous first drop, just shy of two thousand feet and capable of sending you

speeding over ... well, let's just say as fast you ever dared while still attached to the ground.

Next came the Dirty Dozen -- twelve twisting loops sure to slam and spin even the hardest

alien head. With that intense initiation completed, the rider now had a mere twenty minutes

more of sheer exhilaration to experience.

It was almost spiritual.

"You see that coaster, Dtang?"

He grunted absent-mindedly.

"We're going to ride that 'bad-boy'."

"Hmph, is this Earth thing?" Dtang growled.

I smiled, thumping my chest with pride.

"The best of 'Earth' things," I said.

Dtang rolled his red eyes and nodded with aroused appreciation, remembering the other

Earth treats I had introduced him to lately, especially peanut butter.

"Aren't you forgetting one little detail before you start this little vacation?"

Why do women have to ruin everything? I was going to have to figure that out one day, and

soon. I turned to face my ex-wife, who quite inexplicably was still aboard.

She strolled onto the bridge of the Lightning.

"You remember Kragon, don't you? Andarian Pirate Captain. And that little thing about

stealing his gold?"

I flicked off the video.

"He was supposed to be dead! Anyway, it's done now."

She shook her head and I felt more bad news on the way. Just what I needed before I start

my vacation.

"You can't brush off Kragon, he's dangerous. Very dangerous."

"And you should know, huh babe. I mean, being a loathsome pirate yourself and all. By the

way, what were you doing on that ship in the first place?"

She ignored me.

"I'm trying for some odd reason to save your hide. Not that its worth saving."

"Listen, we're several quadrants away from that little incident now, orbiting the "Family

Planet." They don't even allow weapons on the surface. I mean, with all that security in place

we couldn't be safer at the moment. Besides, if it wasn't safe, aliens and their children from

all the known galaxy wouldn't have made this the vacation capital." I leaned back in my chair.

"And there it waits, Ramaas, an entire planet of fun. Waiting for me."

Turning, she stormed off.

Dtang sat beside me, a look of extreme concentration on his features.

I got busy punching in the coordinates for our landing and going through all the hoopla they

call standard procedures. About ten minutes went by in relative quiet.

That's when I became afraid.

Now, I don't normally get involved with any alien's "personal business." I figure, well, it's

personal.

But Holliths have a digestive system that can be outright dangerous to the unwary.

Especially in the tight quarters of a small, but fast, starship.

"Dtang, you're not going to have another bowel movement, are you? You just had one three

weeks ago?!?"

That look of intense concentration continued, which is a bad sign as Holliths aren't known for

their mental abilities.

Unlike normal aliens, the Hollith digestive system is weird. Extremely efficient in tearing and

ripping all the minerals and nutrients from their food intake, this same dynamic system

stores the mutilated waste until it's time.

And when it's time, by space, it's time.

"Get up, now!"

I pushed his stiff, muscular frame forward as he stumbled along as if in a daze. I guess these

things are so infrequent that it takes them a few minutes to realize what's happening.

I finally got him to the porcelain throne. As I turned I picked up several Etabzines for him

to read. For a Hollith, going to the bathroom was both a long and titanic ordeal.

I got busy with the security and clearances, all of which are dragged out to the nth degree,

but which make Ramaas the safe haven it is. I had almost forgotten him.

And then the noises began.

Now, I've learned to ignore most of the growling and the strained grunts, and even the

death-like moans don't phase me much anymore. But I start to get nervous when the

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