Douglas Coupland - All Families Are Psychotic

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All Families Are Psychotic

By Douglas Coupland

IN A DREAM YOU SAW

A WAY TO SURVIVE

AND YOU WERE FULL OF JOY

- Jenny Holzer

Janet opened her eyes — Florida's prehistoric glare dazzled outside the motel window. A dog barked; a

car honked; a man was singing a snatch of a Spanish song. She absentmindedly touched the scar from the

bullet wound beneath her left rib cage, a scar that had healed over, bumpy and formless and hard, like a

piece of gum stuck beneath a tabletop. She hadn't expected her flesh to have healed so blandly — What

was I expecting, a scar shaped like an American flag?

Janet's forehead flushed: My children — where are they? She did a rapid-fire tally of the whereabouts of

her three children, a ritual she'd enacted daily since the birth of Wade back in 1958. Once she'd mentally

placed her offspring in their geographic slots, she remembered to breathe: They're all going to be here in

Orlando today.

She looked at the motel's bedside clock: 7:03 A.M. Pill o'clock. She took two capsules from her prescription

pill caddie and swallowed them with tap water gone flat overnight, which now tasted like nickels and

pennies. It registered on her that motel rooms now came equipped with coffee makers. What a sensible

idea, so bloody sensible — why didn't they do this years ago? Why is all the good stuff happening now?

A few days back, on the phone, her daughter, Sarah, had said, 'Mom, at least buy Evian, OK? The tap

water in that heap is probably laced with crack. I can't believe you chose to stay there.'

'But dear, I don't mind it here.'

'Go stay at the Peabody with the rest of the family. I've told you a hundred times I'll pay.'

'That's not the point, dear. A hotel really ought not cost more than this.'

'Mom, NASA cuts deals with the hotels, and . . .' Sarah made a puff of air, acknowledging defeat. 'Forget

it. But I think you're too well off to be pulling your Third World routine.'

Sarah — so cavalier with money! — as were the two others. None had known poverty, and they'd never

known war, but the advantage hadn't made them golden, and Janet had never gotten over this fact. A

life of abundance had turned her two boys into an element other than gold — lead? — silicon? -bismuth?

But then Sarah — Sarah was an element finer than gold — carbon crystallized as diamond — a bolt of

lightning frozen in midflash, sliced into strips, and stored in a vault.

Janet's phone rang and she answered it: Wade, calling from an Orange County lock-up facility. Janet

imagined Wade in a drab concrete hallway, unshaven and disheveled, yet still radiating 'the glint' — the

spark in the eye he'd inherited from his father. Bryan didn't have it and Sarah didn't need it, but Wade

had glinted his way through life, and maybe it hadn't been the best attribute to inherit after all.

Wade: Janet remembered being back home, and driving along Marine Drive in the morning, watching a

certain type of man waiting for a bus to take him downtown. He'd be slightly seedy and one or two

notches short of respectability; it was always patently clear he'd lost his driver's license after a DWI, but

this only made him more interesting, and whenever Janet smiled at one of these men from her car, they

fired a smile right back. And that was Wade and, in some unflossed cranny of her memory, her ex-

husband, Ted.

'Dear, aren't you too old to be calling me from — jail? Even saying the word "jail" feels silly.'

'Mom, I don't do bad stuff any more. This was a fluke.'

'Okay then, what happened — did you accidentally drive a busload of Girl Guides into the Everglades?'

'It was a bar brawl, Mom.'

Janet repeated this: 'A bar brawl.'

'I know, I know — you think I don't know how idiotic that sounds? I'm phoning because I need a ride

away from this dump. My rental car's back at the bar.'

'Where's Beth? Why doesn't she drive you?'

'She gets in early this afternoon.'

'OK. Well, let's go back a step, dear. How exactly does one get into a bar brawl?'

'You wouldn't believe me if I told you.'

'You'd be amazed what I'm believing these days. Try me.'

There was a pause on the other end. 'I got in a fight because this guy — this jerk — was making fun of

God.'

'God.' He can't be serious.

'Yeah, well, he was.'

'In what way?'

'He was being so nasty about it, saying, "God's an asshole," and "God doesn't care about squat," and he

kept on going on and on, and I had to put a stop to it. I think he got fired that day.'

'You were defending God's honor?'

'Yeah. I was.'

Tread carefully here, Janet. 'Wade, I know Beth is very religious. Are you becoming religious, too?'

'Me? Maybe. Nah. Yes. No. It depends on how you define religious. It keeps Beth calm, and maybe . . .'

Wade paused. 'Maybe it can calm me, too.'

'So you spent the night in jail, then?'

'Safely in the arms of a four-hundred-pound convenience store thief named Bubba.'

'Wade, I can't pick you up. I think it's going to be one of those no-energy days. And besides, the car I

rented smells like a carpet in a frat house — and the roads down here, they're white, and the glare makes

me sleepy.'

'Mom, come on . . .'

'Don't be such a baby. You're forty-two. Act it. You couldn't even get to the hotel in time yesterday.'

'I was making a quick detour to visit a friend in Tampa. I stopped for a drink. Hey — don't treat me like

I'm Bryan. It wasn't like I started the fight or . . .'

'Stop! Stop right there. Call a cab.'

'I'm short on cash.'

'Simple cab fare? Then how are you paying for the hotel?'

Wade was silent.

'Wade?'

'Sarah's covering it for us until we can pay it back.' An awkward silence followed.

'Mom, you could pick me up if you really wanted to. I know you could.'

'Yes, I suppose I could. But I think you should phone your father down in ... what's that place called?'

'Kissimmee — and I already did call him.'

'And?'

'He's gone marlin fishing with Nickie.'

'Marlin fishing? People still do that?'

'I don't know. I guess. I thought they were extinct. They probably have a guy in a wet suit who attaches a

big plastic marlin onto their line.'

'Marlins are so ugly. They remind me of basement rec rooms that people built in 1958 and never used

again.'‘I know. It's hard to imagine they ever existed in the first place.'

'So he's out marlin fishing with Nickie then?'

'Yeah. With Nickie.'

'That cheesy slut.'

'Mom?'

'Wade, I'm not a saint. I've been holding stuff inside me for decades — girls my age were trained to do

that, and it's why we all have colitis. Besides, a dash of spicy language is refreshing every so often. Just

yesterday I was hunting for information on vitamin D derivatives on the Internet, and suddenly, doink! I

land in the Anal Love website. I'm looking at a cheerleader in a leather harness on the—'

'Mom, how can you visit sites like that?'

'Wade, may I remind you that you are standing in a human Dumpster somewhere in Orlando, yet hearing

a sixty-five-year-old woman discuss the Internet over a pay phone shocks you? You wouldn't believe the

sites I've visited. And the chat rooms, too. I'm not always Janet Drummond, you know.'

'Mom, why are you telling me this?'

'Oh, forget it. And your stepmother, Nickie, is still a cheesy slut. Phone Howie — maybe he can come fetch

you.'

'Howie's so boring he makes me almost pass out. I can't believe Sarah married such a blank.'

'I'm the one who gave birth to her, and I'm the one who has to drive with him to Cape Canaveral today.'

'Ooh — bummer. Another NASA do?'

'Yes. And you're welcome to come along.'

'Wait a second, Mom — why aren't you at the Peabody with everybody else? What are you staying in a

motel for? By the way, it took thirty rings for the clerk — who, I might add, sounded like a kidney thief —

to answer the phone.'

'Wade, you're changing the subject. Phone Howie. Oh wait -I think I hear somebody at the door.' Janet

held the phone at arm's length from her head, and said, 'Knock knock knock knock.'

'Very funny, Mom.'

'I have to answer the door, Wade.'

'That's really funny. I—

Click

The motel room made her feel slightly too transient, but it was a bargain, and that turned the minuses

into pluses. Nonetheless, Janet missed her morning waking-up rituals in her own bedroom. She touched

her body gently and methodically, as though she were at the bank counting a stack of twenties. She

gently rubbed a set of ulcers on her lips' insides, still there, same as the day before, not just a dream. Her

hands probed further downward — no lumps in her breasts, not today — but then what had Sarah told

her? We've all had cancer thousands of times, Mom, but in all those thousands of times your body

removed it. It's lazy bookkeeping to only count the cancers that stick. You and I could have cancer right

now, but tomorrow it might be gone.

The motel room smelled like a lifetime of cigarettes. She looked at Sarah's photo in the Miami Herald

beside the phone, a standard NASA PR crew photo: an upper body shot against a navy ice-cream swirl

background and complexion-flattering lighting that made one suspect a noble, scientific disdain for

cosmetics. Sarah clutched a helmet underneath her right arm. Her left arm, handless, rested by her side:

Space knows no limitations.

Janet sighed. She twiddled her toes. Ten minutes later her phone rang again: Sarah calling from the Cape.

'Hi, Mom. I just spoke to Howie. He'll go pick up Wade.'

'Good morning, Sarah. How's your day?'

'This morning we had a zero-G evacuation test, but what I really wanted to do was sit in a nice quiet

bathroom and test out a new brand of pore-cleansing strips. The humidity in these suits is giving me killer

blackheads. They never talked about that in those old Life magazine photo essays. Have you eaten yet?'

'No.'

'Come eat at the Cape with me. We can have dehydrated astronaut's ice cream out of a shiny Mylar bag.'

Janet sat up on her bed and pulled her legs over the side. She felt her skin — her meat — hanging from

her bones as though it were so much water-logged clothing. She needed to pee. She began to meter her

words as she eyed the bathroom door. 'I don't think so, dear. The only time they ever allow me to have

with you are three seconds for a photo op.'

Sarah asked, 'Is Beth arriving today?'

Beth was Wade's wife. 'Later this afternoon. I think I'm going to dinner with the two of them.'

'How far along is she?'

'I think this is her fourth month. It may even be a Christmas baby.'

'Huh. I see.'

'Something wrong, Sarah?'

'It's just that—'

'What?'

'Mom, how could Wade marry . . . her. She's so priggish and born-again. I always thought Wade would

marry Miss Roller Derby. Beth is so frigging sanctimonious.'

'She keeps him alive.'

'I guess she does. When does Bryan arrive?'

'He and his girlfriend are already here. He called from the Peabody.'

'Girlfriend? Bryan? What's her name?'

'If I tell you, you won't believe me.'

'It can't be that bad. Is it one of those made-up names like DawnElle or Kerrissa or Cindajo?'

'Worse.'

'What could be worse?'

'Shw.'

'I beg your pardon?'

'Shw. That's her name: Shw.'

'Spell that for me.'

'S. H. W.'

'And?'

'There's no vowel, if that's what you're waiting for.'

'What — her name is Shw? Am I pronouncing that properly?'

'I'm afraid so.'

'That is the most. . . impractical name I've ever heard. Is she from Sri Lanka or Finland or something?'

Janet's eye lingered on the bathroom door and the toilet beyond. 'As far as I know she's from Alberta.

Bryan worships her, and she's also knocked up like a prom queen.'

'Bryan's pregnant? How come I don't know any of this?'

'I just met her last week myself, dear. She seems to rather like me, though she treats everybody else like

dirt. So I don't mind her at all, really.'

'Bryan is such a freak. I'm not going to be able to keep a straight face, you know — when she tells me her

name, that is.'

Janet said, 'Shw!'

Sarah giggled.

'Shw! Shw! Shw!'

Sarah laughed. 'Is she pretty?'

'Sort of. She's also about eighteen and an angry little hornet. In the fifties we would have called her a

pixie. Nowadays we'd call her hyperthyroid. She's bug-eyed.'

'Where'd they meet?'

'Seattle. She helped Bryan set fire — I believe — to a stack of pastel-colored waffle-knit T-shirts in a Gap

— back during the World Trade Organization riots. They were separated, then a few months ago they

met again destroying a test facility growing genetically modified runner beans.'

Janet could sense Sarah changing gears; she was finished discussing the family. Next would come business-

like matters: 'Well, good for Bryan. You're OK for today's NASA gig?'

'Still.'

'Howie will pick you up at 9:30, after he picks up my darling brother. By the way, Dad's broke.'

'That doesn't surprise me. I'd heard he'd lost his job.'

'I tried to loan him some money, but he, of course, said no. Not that there's much to loan. Howie lost the

bulk of our savings in some website that sells products for pets. I could strangle him.'

'Oh dear.' It's so easy to fall into the mother mode.

'Tell me about it. Hey, when was the last time you even saw Dad?'

'Half a year ago. By accident at Super-Valu.'

Tense?'

'I can handle him.'

'Good. See you there.'

'Yes, dear.'

Click

On the walkway outside her room, Janet heard children mewling as they set off to Walt Disney World

with their families. She walked to the bathroom across a floor made lunar from eons of cigarette burns

and various stains better left uninvestigated. She thought of serial murderers using acids to dissolve the

teeth and jawbones of their victims.

She unsuspectingly caught sight of herself in a floor-length mirror by the sink and the sight stopped her

cold. Yes, Janet, that's correct: you are shrinking — sinew by sinew, protein molecule by protein molecule

you are turning into an ... an elf, yes, you, Janet Drummond, once voted 'Girl We'd Rob a Bank For:

She was transfixed by the view of herself in a blue nightie, as if she were once again young and this

image had been delivered to her from the future as a warning — If I squint I can still see the cool

immaculate housewife I once dreamed of becoming. I'm Elizabeth Montgomery starring in Bewitched. I'm

Dina Merrill lunching at the Museum of Modern Art with Christina Ford.

Oh forget it. She peed, showered, dried and then modified those traces of time's passage on her face that

she could.

There. I'm not so bad after all. A man might still rob a bank for me, and men still do flirt — not too

frequently — and older men perhaps — but the look in the eyes never changes.

She dressed, and five minutes later she was a block away sitting in a Denny's reading a paper. The North

American weather map on the rear page was a rich, unhealthy crimson, with only a small strip of cool

green running up the coast from Seattle to Alaska. Outside the restaurant window the sun on the parking

lot made the area seem like a science experiment. She realized she no longer cared about the weather.

Next.

Back in her motel room, she lay down on the bed haunted by a thousand sex acts. OK — this place is

creepy but at least I'm not throwing away money. Her lips were sore to the point that speech was painful,

and it hurt to exhale. Her pill buzzer buzzed; she sat up. She reached into her purse and removed a

prescription bottle. She turned on the TV, and there was Sarah being interviewed on CNN. As always, her

daughter looked glowingly pretty on TV, like a nun who'd never touched makeup.

— Do you think you and children like you, born with damage caused by thalidomide, have other

messages to tell the world?

— Of course. We were the canaries in the coal mine. We were the first children born in which it was

proved that chemicals from the outside world — in our case thalidomide — could severely damage the

human embryo. These days, most mothers don't smoke or drink during pregnancy. They know that the

outer world can enter their babies and cause damage. But in my mother's generation, they didn't know

this. They smoked and drank and took any number of medications without thinking twice. Now we know

better, and as a species we're smarter as a result — we're aware of teratogens.

— Teratogens?

— Yes. It means 'monster forming'. A horrible word, but then the world can be a horrible place. They're

the chemicals that cross the placenta and affect a child's growth in utero.

The host turned to the camera: 'Time for a quick break. I've been speaking with Sarah Drummond-

Fournier, a one-handed woman, and one heck of a fighter, who'll be on Friday's shuttle flight. We'll be

right back.'

How on earth did I give birth to such a child? I understand nothing about her life. Nothing. And yet she's

the spitting image of me, and she's gallivanting up into space. Janet remembered how much she'd

wanted to help the young Sarah with her homework, and Sarah's polite-but-resigned invitations to come

do so when Janet popped her head into Sarah's doorway. Invariably Janet would look down at the papers

that might as well have been in Chinese. Janet would ask a few concerned questions about Sarah's

teachers, and then plead kitchen duty, beating a hasty retreat.

She turned off the TV.

She once cared about everything, and if she couldn't muster genuine concern, she could easily fake it: too

much rain stunting the petunias; her children's scrapes; stick figure Africans; the plight of marine

mammals. She considered herself one of the surviving members of a lost generation, the last generation

raised to care about appearances or doing the right thing -to care about caring. She had been born in

1934 in Toronto, a city then much like Chicago or Rochester or Detroit — bland, methodical, thrifty and

rules-playing. Her father, William Truro, managed the furniture and household appliance department of

the downtown Eaton's department store. William's wife, Kaye, was, well . . . William's wife.

The two raised Janet and her older brother, Gerald, on $29.50 a week until 1938, when a salary decrease

lowered William's pay to $27 a week, and jam vanished from the Truro breakfast table, the absence of

which became Janet's first memory. After the jam, the rest of Janet's life seemed to have been an

ongoing reduction — things that had once been essential vanishing without discussion, or even worse,

with too much discussion.

Seasons changed. Sweaters became ragged, were patched up and became ragged again, and were

grudgingly thrown out. A few flowers were grown in the thin band of dirt in front of the brick row

house, species scavenged by Kaye for their value as dried flowers, which scrimped an extra few months'

worth of utility from them. Life seemed to be entirely about scrimping. In fall of 1938, Gerald died of

polio. In 1939 the war began and Canada was in it from the start, and scrimping kicked into overdrive:

bacon fat, tin cans, rubber — all material objects -were scrimp-worthy. Janet's most enjoyable childhood

memories were of sorting neighborhood trash in the alleys, in search of crown jewels, metal fragments

and love notes from dying princes. During the war, houses in her neighborhood grew dingy — paint

became a luxury. When she was six, Janet walked into the kitchen and found her father kissing her

mother passionately. They saw Janet standing there, a small, chubby, fuddled Campbell's Soup kid, and

they broke apart, blushed, and the incident was never spoken of again. The glimpse was her only

evidence of passion until womanhood.

An hour passed and Janet looked at the bedside clock: almost 9:30, and Howie would have already picked

up Wade by now. Janet walked down to the hotel's covered breezeway to wait for her son-in-law. A day

of boredom loomed.

Then, pow! she was angry all of a sudden. She was angry because she was unable to remember and

reexperience her life as a continuous movie-like event. There were only bits of punctuation here and

there — the kiss, the jam, the dried flowers — which, when assembled, made Janet who she was — yet

there seemed to be no divine logic behind the assemblage. Or any flow. All those bits were merely . . .

bits. But there had to be logic. How could the small, chubby child of 1940 imagine that one day she'd be

in Florida seeing her own daughter launched into outer space? Tiny little Sarah, who was set to circle the

Earth hundreds of times. We didn't even think about outer space in 1939. Space didn't exist yet.

She removed a black felt Sharpie pen from her purse, and wrote the word 'laryngitis' on a folded piece of

paper. For the remainder of the day she wouldn't have to speak to anybody she didn't want to.

I wonder if Howie is going to be late? No — Howie's not the late type.

Wade sat on the lock-up's sunburnt concrete stoop sifting through the grab bag of possessions returned

to him from his overnight captors: sunglasses a size too small so they never fell from his head — a wallet

containing four IDs (two real: Nevada and British Columbia; two fakes: Missouri and Quebec) along with a

badly photocopied U.S. hundred; a Pittsburgh Steelers Bic lighter (Where did that come from?) and the

keys to a rental Pontiac Sunfire, still in the lot of the previous evening's bar. His clothes were more blood-

splattered than not. At first the blood had been syrupy and had made his clothes turn clammy, rubbery.

Then, when Wade was asleep in his cell, the blood converted his denim pants and cotton shirt into a skin

of beef jerky.

This is not a state in which one defends God lightly.

Where's Howie?

Wade removed a smooth rock he'd found a decade before while hitchhiking on a Kansas freeway — his

good luck charm; three minutes after he'd found it he was picked up by the disenchanted wife of a major

league baseball player, who went on to be his meal ticket for the latter years of his thirties.

Honk-honk 'Hey there, brother-in-law!'

Howie called from across the lot where he'd parked his orange VW microbus beside a chain-link fence and

a flowering pink oleander hedge.

Christ. Howie's going to be chipper. I hate chipper. Wade walked toward him. 'Yeah, hi, Howie. Get me

out of this dump.'

'Right, pardner. Hey, I see a bit of mess on your shirt.'

'Blood, Howie. It's harmless. And it's not mine — it's from the meathead who hassled me last night.'

Inside the vehicle, hot like a bakery, Howie turned on the ignition. The air-conditioning blasted on full,

shooting a freezing moldy fist into the car interior. Wade slapped the button down. 'Christ, Howie, I don't

want to get Legionnaire's disease from your bloody van.'

'Just trying to help, mon frère, mon frère. Nothing lurking in the vents of this baby.'

'Also, Howie, I'm not going to walk into some swank hotel looking like a tampon. I have to clean up first.

Drive me to the Brunswicks' place.' Howie was staying with the family of Sarah's Mission Commander,

Gordon Brunswick.

'I can wash up there and you can lend me some clothes.'

Howie was taken aback. 'The Brunswicks' — what? Sarah didn't say anything about driving you to the

Brunswicks.'

'You have a problem?'

'Problem? No. Not at all.' Howie looked panged.

'Howie, just take me there, I'll shower, I'll borrow some clothes, then you can drop me off at my car. You

have to pick up my mother at 9:30.'

'No need to be testy, Wade.'

'Have you ever spent a night in jail, Howie?'

Howie seemed almost flattered to be asked this. 'Well, I can't say that I . . .'

'Drive, Howie.'

They drove for fifteen minutes and arrived at the subdivision home of the Brunswick family — an

astronaut clan as different from the Drummond family as heaven is from earth. Children in NASA T-shirts

were on the front lawn looking at the moon, visible in the daytime, through a telescope. The front door

had a window shaped like a crescent moon. Behind the door stood Alanna Brunswick, wife of Mission

Commander Gordon Brunswick, in a Star Trek T-shirt and holding a platter of Tollhouse cookies, smiling

like a perfume counter saleswoman.

The doorbell was still playing the Close Encounters theme song as she spoke, with a trace of tightly

concealed surprise in her voice: 'Howie, this must be your . . . brother-in-law, Wade.'

'In the flesh.'

Wade sensed he'd been much discussed. 'Hi. I'm just going to wash up before I head to the Peabody.

Upstairs?'

Alanna's face betrayed deep misgivings, but Wade knew he had a fifteen-second window during which

she would be immobilized by his looks, slightly enhanced by rakish night-in-jail stubble. He turned on the

smile (add another five seconds), then bounded up the stairs.

'Uh — you just make yourself at home,' she shouted after him.

'Yeah, thanks. Howie, find me some duds, okay?'

'Okey dokey.'

Wade saw photos of planes and jets. Training certificates. Black and white 1960s celebrity pilot photos.

Saturn 5 rocket models — even the ceiling was peppered with glow-in-the-dark stars, a yellow margarine

color in the daylight. Wade could understand why Howie would want to stay here instead of a hotel.

These people lived for the program; the Drummond family, comparatively, treated Sarah's imminent

flight like a display at a local science fair.

He located the bathroom and stripped. His clothing was a write-off; even his shoes were leathery with

blood. He wrapped up the garments as best he could and squished them into the trashcan. Once in the

shower, yesterday's crud rinsed off and he began to feel new again. Howie stuck his arm through the

door and placed some clothes on the counter, and through the water and steam, Wade heard him say,

'Try these on. Take your time.'

Wade toweled dry and inspected the clothing, clownishly small. Only the socks fit. What the—? Then

Wade remembered Sarah explaining that astronauts are always tiny, chosen for their lack of body mass;

there's no such thing as a beefy astronaut. Trust Howie not to loan me some of his own clothes. Weasel

With the towel wrapped around his waist, he stepped into the hallway, the carpet thick and bouncy. He

tried various doors. Gotta find some better adult clothing. What's that — kids' room? No. Over there?

Den. Wait — over there — an indisputably adult bedroom. He walked into the room, bright with fluttery

morning sun passing through the surrounding oaks. He turned a corner to where he supposed the

cupboard might be, to find Howie and Alanna barnacled together in an embrace. They didn't see him at

first. 'Shit. Sorry.' Wade retreated to the bathroom.

'Wade—'

'The clothes are too small, Howie. I need stretchy stuff -sweats maybe. And a big T-shirt. And flip-flops for

my feet.'

'I can explain.'

'Just find me clothes, Howie.' Wade slammed the bathroom door. Outside there was a freighted silence,

followed by the sound of shuffling feet. Wade wasn't quite sure what to think. His breathing was

underwater-like, his thinking fogged.

There was a rap on the door: 'Clothes for you, pardner.'

Wade grabbed them and slammed the door.

'We can talk on the way to pick up your car,' said Howie through the door.

Wade got dressed. He looked like a gym teacher on his day off. He opened the door and barreled down

to the car. He had no interest in seeing Alanna. Howie trailed behind him.

'Wade—'

Wade looked out the window.

'If you'd just let me explain, Wade. Alanna and I understand each other — the pressure of being married

to—'

Wade turned to look at him: 'There's always an explanation, Howie, and I wrote most of them — which in

turn makes me understand all too well that there's never an explanation. So shut the fuck up and drive.'

Surprisingly soon they were at the bar.

'That's my car over there.'

'Nice car.'

'Shut the fuck up, Howie.'

'I only meant to say—'

Wade unleashed the cloud of hornets inside his head: 'If you think for one second that I'm going to even

breathe a word of this to my baby sister, you're off your fucking rocker. Ditto Commander Brunswick.

Nothing on this planet is going to fuck up their mission in even the slightest way. This is between you and

me, Howie, and I have no idea where it's going to go. In the meantime we have to sit together at this

frigging banquet tonight. You piss me off in any way, and I'll make your life a goddamn living hell for as

long as I breathe.'

'No need to be nasty.'

Wade stepped out of the van, exhaling his disgust. 'You just don't understand, do you, you shitty little

space martyr?' He slammed the door.

In 1970, Sarah attended a summer science camp a hundred miles east of Vancouver, in a gently

mountainous spot called Cultus Lake, a very lake-y looking lake, then in the high season of mosquitoes,

stinging nettle and drunks manning noisy recreational crafts. Sarah had been looking forward to the

camp, and Janet, who'd found it for her, was very pleased indeed, even though Ted shanghaied the

event. He'd organized the preparation of supplies, the packing, bought numerous books on the wilds of

British Columbia, and then drove Sarah out to the camp himself, rather than allowing her to take the

minibus that picked up her fellow campers.

What the Drummond family, Sarah included, hadn't expected was that Sarah would become profoundly

and violently homesick at the camp, paralyzed with fear, vomiting out in the reeds and the irises beside

the bunkhouse, immobilized and unable to eat or sleep. The family might not have found out about the

homesickness had Sarah not pried her way into the owner's private area and made a tearful, pleading

long-distance call home around dinnertime, a call Ted answered and which Wade eavesdropped on from

the den extension.

'Please, Daddy, I'm so homesick here I think I'm going to die. I can't eat or sleep or concentrate or

anything. I want to come home so badly.'

'Hey, Sunshine, camp is good for you. You'll meet smart new kids — breathe fresh air — use that big brain

of yours.'

'Daddy, I don't want any of that. I just want to be there in the kitchen with all of you. I feel so far away. I

feel so ... sick.'

Wade could hear his mother standing beside his father, wondering aloud what was happening. 'Ted?

What's wrong? Tell me.'

'Nothing's wrong, Jan. Sarah's just becoming used to camp life.'

'I'm not getting used to camp life, Daddy. I want to die. I don't want to be here. I want to come home.'

More tears.

'Ted,' said Janet, 'let me speak to her.'

'Jan, calm down. She's fine. Why should she hate camp? I loved camp when I was a kid.'

T'm not fine, Daddy.'

'You're going to love camp, sweetheart, I wouldn't say that if I didn't believe it. Camp was the best

experience of my life.'

There was a clicking on the other end of the line; a woman's voice came on: 'Hello? Hello? Young lady,

who have you been calling?' On the line was the camp's director, a Mrs. Wallace.

Ted said, T'm sorry Sarah interrupted your dinner, Mrs. Wallace. This isn't her typical behavior.'

In the background, Sarah was wailing.

'Some campers get homesick, Mr. Drummond. This is natural. Your Sarah will be fine.'

Sarah's crying in the background intensified. Ted signed off, yet again apologizing for his daughter's out-

of-character behavior. Wade innocently sashayed into the kitchen, where Janet said, 'You have to go

fetch her, Ted. She can barely even function, let alone learn about science. It's cruel.'

'It's not. You're overreacting. All kids love camp. She just needs to get used to it. She'll love it there. Mrs.

Wallace told me that tomorrow they're studying jet propulsion and having Kentucky Fried Chicken for

dinner.'

'I don't feel good about this, Ted.'

'Stop mollycoddling her. She's a trouper.'

The next morning, Wade woke up early and sneaked out of the house. Such an absence was in no way

unusual and attracted no attention. He took the bus to his bank and withdrew his savings, about $340.00,

and hired a taxi, his first, by the stand near the bus loop's Mexican fast-food place. The cab driver was a

Crisco-complexioned fortysomething who Wade could tell, even at his early age, was well along life's

downward slope. When Wade told him he wanted to go to Cultus Lake and back, the driver made him

pony up the money; Wade's only worry was that the driver would be talkative, which proved not to be

the case. After the driver blurted out, 'I could use a drive in the country,' he was silent the rest of the way.

By eleven a.m. they were at the camp's gate. 'You park way down there,' Wade said, his genius for

orchestrating maneuvers already in evidence. 'I don't want the RCMP looking for a cab.'

'Right, pardner.'

Wade walked up to the main house and asked to speak to the person in charge. The only remotely

authoritative figure available was a teenage girl shucking counselor duty to fire up a cigarette. He smiled.

Inside a minute he heard what he'd needed to hear: 'The jet propulsion group? That's the Madame Curie

bunkhouse. They're down by the boat ramp.' Wade duly went to the boat ramp, where a flock of girls

surrounded a launch apparatus, all save for Sarah, off to the side, her knees pulled up to her chest, her

stomach cramping, as she hadn't eaten or slept in forty-eight hours.

Wade threw a pebble that landed at her feet. Sarah looked up and caught sight of her brother, and

Wade was impressed at how she maintained her cool. Sarah waited until the rocket was on the cusp of

detonation before she casually walked towards Wade. He asked her, 'You set to leave?'

'Right now.'

'Follow me. We have to keep quiet.' Wade led Sarah through a second-growth forest, about a century

old, and treacherously bumpy with stumps and logs still barely even decayed after all that time. A few

minutes later they emerged from the woods directly by the taxi. 'Hop in, little sister, and keep your head

down. Step on it, Carl.'

'You're the boss.'

Minutes later they were on the Trans-Canada highway, and Sarah was holding tightly on to Wade's arm.

'It's OK, baby sister, we're going home. Home sweet home.' He patted her on the head. 'You hungry?'

Sarah squealed out a 'yes'.

'Carl, let's stop at that gas station up ahead.'

'Your wish is my command, boss.'

The two of them drank Cokes and ate chocolate bars. Years later, Sarah would say they were the most

delicious things she could ever remember having eaten. Just over two hours later they were home. Carl

accepted only a hundred dollars for the job, saying, 'It's probably the last nice thing I'll ever do.'

Wade stopped at the bottom of the driveway. He hadn't given the homecoming much thought. 'What are

we going to tell Dad?'

Sarah said, 'I'll handle him.'

And she did. It was a Saturday, and Ted was in the kitchen eating an egg salad sandwich. Sarah walked

into the kitchen and said, 'I escaped that prison and I'm not returning, so please don't try and make me.

My decision's made and I'm not the least bit ashamed of it. I'm ready for any punishment you want to

throw my way.'

Wade, listening in, was chilled to hear rebellious words he himself might have spoken. Both he and Janet,

who was standing by the sink, waited for one long, held-in breath expecting Ted's nuclear detonation,

but instead Ted bellowed out, 'That's my girl! What spunk to escape from that hellhole. Jan! Make our

little jailbreaker an egg salad sandwich!'

Three years before his arrival in Florida to join his family, Wade had been living in Kansas City having an

on-again/off-again (but mostly on-again) relationship with the wife of a major league baseball player.

News of his affair with the baseball wife had leaked out and was splashed about the pages of the local

daily tabloid. The baseball player and three of his buddies had entered Wade's favorite bar armed with

Louisville Sluggers, fortunately while Wade was in the John, from which he scrambled out a rear door,

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