One moment his life had been real, full of shouts and laughter. The next he was cut off from it, and the
external world became an aquarium, full of gaping fish with grotesque smiles. Worse still, there were
times when he suffered what the doctors called tinnitus, a roaring or ringing sound in the ears. His head
would fill with the most outlandish noises, whoops and whistlings, that played like sound-effects to the
flailings of the outside world. At those times his stomach would churn, and a band of iron would be
wrapped around his forehead, crushing his thoughts into fragments, dissociating head from hand,
intention from practice. He would be swept away in a tide of panic, completely unable to make sense of
the world while his head sang and rattled.
But at night came the worst terrors. He would wake, sometimes, in what had been (before the
accident) the reassuring womb of his bedroom, to find the ringing had begun in his sleep.
His eyes would jerk open. His body would be wet with sweat. His mind would be filled with the most
raucous din, which he was locked in with, beyond hope of reprieve. Nothing could silence his head, and
nothing, it seemed, could bring the world, the speaking, laughing, crying world back to him.
He was alone.
That was the beginning, middle and end of the dread. He was absolutely alone with his cacophony.
Locked in this house, in this room, in this body, in this head, a prisoner of deaf, blind flesh.
It was almost unbearable. In the night the boy would sometimes cry out, not knowing he was making
any sound, and the fish who had been his parents would turn on the light and come to try and help him,
bending over his bed making faces, their soundless mouths forming ugly shapes in their attempts to help.
Their touches would calm him at last; with time his mother learned the trick of soothing away the panic
that swept over him.
A week before his seventh birthday his hearing returned, not perfectly, but well enough for it to seem
like a miracle. The world snapped back into focus; and life began afresh.
It took several months for the boy to trust his senses again. He would still wake in the night, half-
anticipating the head-noises.
But though his ears would ring at the slightest volume of sound, preventing Steve from going to rock
concerts with the rest of the students, he now scarcely ever noticed his slight deafness.
He remembered, of course. Very well. He could bring back the taste of his panic; the feel of the iron
band around his head. And there was a residue of fear there; of the dark, of being alone.
But then, wasn’t everyone afraid to be alone? To be utterly alone.
Steve had another fear now, far more difficult to pin down.
Quaid.
In a drunken revelation session he had told Quaid about his childhood, about the deafness, about the
night terrors.
Quaid knew about his weakness: the clear route into the heart of Steve’s dread. He had a weapon, a
stick to beat Steve with, should it ever come to that. Maybe that was why he chose not to speak to Cheryl
(warn her, was that what he wanted to do?) and certainly that was why he avoided Quaid.
The man had a look, in certain moods, of malice. Nothing more or less. He looked like a man with
malice deep, deep in him.
Maybe those four months of watching people with the sound turned down had sensitized Steve to the
tiny glances, sneers and smiles that flit across people’s faces. He knew Quaid’s life was a labyrinth; a map
of its complexities was etched on his face in a thousand tiny expressions.
The next phase of Steve’s initiation into Quaid’s secret world didn’t come for almost three and a half
months. The university broke for the summer recess, and the students went their ways. Steve took his
usual vacation job at his father’s printing works; it was long hours, and physically exhausting, but an
undeniable relief for him. Academe had overstuffed his mind, he felt force-fed with words and ideas. The
print work sweated all of that out of him rapidly, sorting out the jumble in his mind.
It was a good time: he scarcely thought of Quaid at all.
He returned to campus in the late September. The students were still thin on the ground. Most of the
courses didn’t start for another week; and there was a melancholy air about the place without its usual
melee of complaining, flirting, arguing kids.