seat near the back. And sure enough the young 'uns were right there ahead of me, not in my row but
the one behind, at the very back -all very quiet and coy, they were - where they'd chosen one of
the double seats. But I hadn't noticed them buying sweets or popcorn at the kiosk in the shabby
foyer, so maybe they'd stay that way right through the show: nice and quiet.
Other patrons came upstairs, all heading for the front where there was a little more leg-room and
they could lean on the mahogany balcony and look down on the screen. When the lights started to go
down in that slow way of theirs, there couldn't have been more than two dozen people in all up
there, and most of them in the front two rows. Me and the kids, we had the back entirely to
ourselves. It was a poor showing even for a Wednesday; maybe there'd be more people in the cheap
seats downstairs.
In the old days this was the part I'd liked the best: the lights dimming, organ music (but only
recorded, even in my time), and the curtains on stage slowly swishing open to
reveal a dull, pearly, vacant screen. Then there'd be The Queen and the curtains would close again
while the lights died completely. Followed by a supporting film, a cartoon, the trailers, and
finally the feature film. Oh, yes - and between the cartoon and the main show there'd be an
intermission, when the ice-cream ladies would come down the aisles with their trays. And at the
end, The Queen again. Funny thing, but I can't go back as far as The King. I mean, I can, but my
memory can't or won't! And even remembering what I can, I'm not sure I have it exactly right.
That's what getting old does to you. Anyway, the whole thing from going in to coming out would
last two and a half to maybe three whole hours! That was value.
Nowadays . . . you get the trailer, local advertisements, the feature film - and that's it. Or if
you're lucky there might be a short supporting picture. And here's me saying I was surprised at
the poor turnout.
Well, the trailers weren't much, and the local ads were totally colourless and not even up to date
- Paul's Unisex Hairdressing Salon had shut down months ago! Then the briefest of brief intervals
when the lights came half-way up; and suddenly it dawned on me that I hadn't heard a peep out of
the young couple behind me in the back row. Well, maybe the very faintest whisper or giggle or
two. Certainly nothing to complain about.
The seats were stepped down in tiers from the back to the balcony, so that my row of seats was
maybe six inches lower than theirs. I sneaked a backward glance and my eyes trapped just a
snapshot of the two sitting there very close, wasting half their seat, the girl crammed in one
corner with the pale lad's black-clad arm thrown lightly round her red-clad shoulders. And his
fish-eyes behind their thick lenses, swivelling to meet mine, expressionless but probably wishing
I'd go away. Then it was dark again and the titles rolling, and me
settling down to enjoy this old picture, along with one or two old-fashioned memories.
That was when it started; the carrying-on in the back row. Of course I had seen it coming: when
I'd glanced back at them, those kids had still been wearing their rain-macs. You don't have to be
a dirty old man to see through that old ploy. It's amazing what can go on - or come off- under a
rain-mac.
Very soon buttons would slowly be giving way, one by one, to trembly, groping fingers under the
shiny plastic; garments would be loosened, warm, naked flesh cautiously exposed - but not to view.
No usherette's torch beam would find them out, and certainly not the prying eyes of some old
duffer in the row in front. Indeed, the fact that I was there probably added to their excitement.
It amused me to think of myself as a prop in their loveplay, a spanner in their wet works, whom
they must somehow deceive even knowing that I wasn't deceived.
And all the time this sick-looking excuse for a youth pretending the exploratory hand had nothing
to do with him, and the girl pretending to be completely unaware of its creeping advance toward
her nipples. And they'd only be its first objective. All of this assuming, of course, that they
were just beginners. Oh, yes - it's a funny business, love in the back row of a cinema.
First there was the heavy breathing. Ah, but there's heavy breathing and there's heavy breathing!
And the moaning, very low at first but gradually becoming more than audible. I quickly changed my
mind, restructured the scenario I'd devised for them. They weren't new to it, these two; by now
all the buttons would be loose, and just about everything else for that matter! No exploratory
work here. This was old ground, gone over many, many times before, together or with others; no
prelude but a full-blown orchestration, which would gradually build to a crescendo.
Would they actually do it, I wondered? Right there in the back row? Fifteen minutes ago I'd seen
myself as some sort of obstacle they'd have to overcome; now I was thinking they didn't give a
damn about me, didn't care that I was there at all. I might as well not exist for these two, not
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