factories, physical and economic distribution networks, sanitation, repair, services, education,
culture, order, everything as one immune immortal organism. \Ve had gloried in belonging to this
as well as to each other.
But that night I told the kitchen to throw the dinner it had made for me down the waste
chute, and ground under my heel the chemical consolations which the medicine cabinet extended to
me, and kicked the cleaner as it picked up the mess, and ordered the lights not to go on, anywhere
in our suite. I stood by the vie\Vall, looking out across megalopolis, and it was tawdry. In my
hands I had a little clay figure she had fashioned herself. I turned it over and over and over.
But I had forgotten to forbid the door to admit visitors. It recognized this woman and
opened for her. She had come with the kindly intention of teasing me out of a mood that seemed to
her unnatural. I heard her enter, and looked around through the gloom. She had almost the same
height as my girl did, and her hair chanced to he bound in a way that my girl often favored, and
the figurine dropped from my grasp and shattered, because for an instant I thought she was my
girl. Smee then I have been bard put not to hate Thrakia.
This evening, even without so much sundown light, I would not make that mistake. Nothing
hut the silvery bracelet about her left wrist bespeaks the past we share. She is in wildeountry
garb: boots, kilt of true fur and belt of true leather, knife at hip and rifle slung on shoulder.
Her locks are matted and snarled, her skin brown from weeks of weather; scratches and sniudges
show beneath the fantastic zigzags she has painted in many colors on herself. She wears a necklace
of bird skulls.
Now that one who is dead was, in her own way, more a child of trees and horizons than
Thrakia’s followers. She was so much at home in the open that she had no need to put off clothes
or cleanliness, reason or gentleness, when we sickened of the cities and went forth beyond them.
From this trait I got many of the names I bestowed on her, such as Wood’s Colt or Fallow Hind or,
from
my prowlings among ancient books, Dryad and Elven. (She liked me to choose her names, and this
pleasure had no end, because she was inexhaustible.)
I let my harpstring ring into silence. Turning about, I say to Thrakia, “I wasn’t singing
for you. Not for anyone. Leave me alone.”
She draws a breath. The wind ruffles her hair and brings me an odor of her:
not female sweetness, but fear. She clenches her fists and says, “You’re crazy.”
“Wherever did you find a meaningful word like that?” I gibe; for my own pain and—to be
truthful—my own fear must strike out at something, and here she stands. “Aren’t you content any
longer with ‘untranquil’ or ‘disequilibrated’?”
“I got it from you,” she says defiantly, “you and your damned archaic songs. There’s
another word, ‘damned.’ And how it suits you! When are you going to stop this morbidity?”
“And commit myself to a clinic and have my brain laundered nice and sanitary? Not soon,
darling.” I use that last word aforethought, but she cannot know what scorn and sadness are in it
for me, who know that once it could also have been a name for my girl. The official grammar and
pronunciation of language is as frozen as every other aspect of our civilization, thanks to
electronic recording and neuronic teaching; but meanings shift and glide about like subtle
serpents. (0 adder that stung my Foalfoot!)
I shrug and say in my driest, most city-technological voice, “Actually, I’m the practical,
nonmorbid one. Instead of running away from my emotions—via drugs, or neuroadjustment, or playing
at savagery like you, for that matter—I’m about to implement a concrete plan for getting back the
person who made me happy.”
“By disturbing Her on Her way home?”
“Anyone has the right to petition the dark Queen while she’s abroad on earth.”
“But this is past the proper time—”
“No law’s involved, just custom. People are afraid to meet Her outside a crowd, a town,
bright flat lights. They won’t admit it, but they arc. So I came here precisely not to be part of
a queue. I don’t want to speak into a recorder for subsequent computer analysis of my words. How
could I be sure She was listening? I want to meet Her as myself, a unique being, and look in Her
eyes while I make my prayer.”
Thrakia chokes a little. “She’ll be angry.”
“Is She able to be angry, anymore?”
“I. . . I don’t know. What you mean to ask for is so impossible, though. So absurd. That
SUM should give you back your girl. You know It never makes exceptions.”
“Isn’t She Herself an exception?”
“That’s different. You’re being silly. SUM has to have a, well, a direct human liaison.
Emotional and cultural feedback, as well as statistics. How else can It govern rationally? And She
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