Jon Scieszka - Time Warp Trio 09 - See You Later, Gladiator

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THE TIME WARP TRIO

See You Later, Gladiator

by Jon Scieszka

"You who are about to die salute me!"

"You have got to be kidding," said Sam.

The big guy who had spoken waved a net and a long-handled pitchfork in front of Fred,

Sam, and me.

"He sure doesn't look like he's kidding," said Fred.

The fork-waving guy crouched in front of us. He wore a loincloth and sandals and a mean

look on his face.

"I swear I put The Book away in a safe spot so we wouldn't get time traveled into

any more trouble," I said. "Maybe he isn't a real gladiator, and maybe this isn't really Rome

two thousand years ago."

"Yeah," said Sam. "And maybe I'm Santa Claus and maybe this is the North Pole."

I looked around for a way out. We stood in the middle of a little outdoor arena about

the size of a small backyard. A tall wooden wall circled all around us. Our sneakers

sank into deep sand. There was no way to escape.

"Now fight," said the gladiator, getting impa-tient.

"I cannot believe I let myself get dragged into this thing again," said

Sam.time-travel-try-to-find-that-disappearing-Book

"Ah, what's the big deal?" said Fred. "It's just a little accident. This could be a great chance

to see some real wrestling."

"Just a little accident?" squeaked Sam, his voice rising like it does when he gets excited.

"Then why don't you explain the little accident to our friend with the trident."

"With the what?" said Fred.

"With that big fork he's getting ready to poke us with," said Sam.

"Oh yeah. I knew that," said Fred.

Sam pushed Fred forward. Fred looked up at the gladiator. He looked back at Sam. "I got

it under control." Fred took off his World Wrestling hat and bowed. "Greetings, gladiator

guy. We have come from far away to see some real wrestling. See I was telling Sam that even

I could whip this one guy named Gladiator back in our time, but I wasn't talking about-"

The gladiator twitched like a rattlesnake.

One second Fred was hold-ing out his hat. The next second his hat was speared on

the end of the trident.

"-about you ... I wasn't

talking." Fred stared at his suddenly empty hand.

The gladiator flipped Fred's hat off, then pointed the trident to three swords stuck in the

sand. "Now fight."

Fred backed away slowly.

"We're not really the fighting kind of-"

"Arrrrggghhh!" the gladiator yelled, and at-tacked. We all dove and grabbed a sword.

"Oh man," said Fred. "That's not fair. These are made of wood."

Sam held his sword in front of him with two hands. "I don't think our new friend really

plays fair. Do some magic, Joe. Say something. Get us out of here!"

I tried to think if I knew any gladiator knockout spells. I remembered reading some kind

of gladi-ator spell in The Book. But as usual, that was our problem. We had to find The Book.

"Excuse me, Mr. Gladiator," I said. I didn't know exactly how you should talk to an ancient

Roman gladiator. But I figured it wouldn't hurt to be polite. "My friends and I dropped in by

acci-dent. And we'll be on our way just as soon as we find our Book."

The gladiator twirled his net. "I don't think we're getting through," said Sam. "There's three

of us and only one of him," said Fred, suddenly braver now that I was the one in front of the

guy's trident.

I had to think of something, quick-before the guy poked all three of us like overdone

turkeys. Gladiators. Romans. The ancient Romans spoke Latin. I remembered that the

gladiator spell had something to do with Latin.

The gladiator circled around us, moving in for the kill.

"Ix-nay on the ork-fay," I chanted.

The gladiator jabbed at us. We all jumped back.

"What the heck was that?" yelled Sam. "You're only making him mad."

"That's Latin," I said. "Or at least the only Latin I know. Pig Latin."

The gladiator twirled his net overhead and dropped it on us before we even knew what had

hit us. He yanked a line. We fell in a heap on the sand.

"Ahhhh!" screamed Sam thrashing around with his sword, clonking Fred and me on the

head.

"Op-stay! Eeze-fray!" I tried.

The gladiator stood over us and raised his tri-dent overhead.

"Oh-gay away-ay?" No good.

The Time Warp Trio was about to be stuck through with one cruel blow. And no

magic trick- Pig Latin or otherwise-could save us now.

But before we get poked full of holes and lose our first (and maybe last) match of Time

Warp Trio vs. the Gladiator, I should probably explain how we got into such a fix ... again.

I know it sounds funny, but it's all because of a book. The Book. A dark blue book with

strange silver writing and symbols. My uncle Joe, who is a bit of a magician, gave it to me

for my birthday. But he forgot to mention that this book can send its readers anywhere in

time and space.

He also forgot to mention that after you go to these strange times and places, the only

way to get back home is to find The Book.

You readers out there who have followed us be-fore know we found all of this out the

hard way.

We found you can be walked off the plank by pirates. We found you can be attacked by

freaky monsters from Greek mythology. We found you can be chased by your own

great-grandkids. We found you can even be terrorized by characters from other books (like

Frankenstein and Little House on the Prairie, to name just two very scary books). The

one thing we've never really found out is how the heck to con-trol The Book. I had

sworn to Fred and Sam that I would figure out how The Book works.

But I never really got a chance to. We were over at my house after school, as usual. Fred

was jumping around all hyper after school, as usual. So Sam and I decided to take him down.

"Freak Fred takes on all challengers for the World Monsterweight Title!" hooted

Fred, bounc-ing up and down on my bed.

"Stone Cold Sam and Joe the Show, Tag Team Champions of the Universe, accept your

puny chal-lenge!" yelled Sam, launching himself off my chair, going for Fred's head.

"Three-Way Smackdown!" I yelled, diving at Fred's legs.

We smashed into a pileup. We brawled onto the floor. We jammed Fred into the corner

by my desk.

"Atomic Butt Squash!" Sam howled, sitting on Fred's head.

Fred rolled out with both arms over his head. "DQ! DQ for disgusting move!" He

staggered around, pretending to be dazed. Then he suddenly charged and tried to ram me

with a two-handed pile driver. I slid him off with a judo block.

"Joe the Show knows ancient fighting arts," I said. "Use your opponent's strength against

him. Ha!"

I spun and pushed Fred past me, driving him into the side of my bookshelf.

The bookshelf wobbled.

"Hiiiiii-yah!" Sam piled on.

The bookshelf teetered.

"Oooooff!" Fred squirmed around and some-how twisted on top of both of us.

"One, two, three, pin!" He jumped up and raised his arms in victory. "Your new

Monsterweight Champion of the World-Freak Fred!"

"Boooo," said Sam, still slumped on the floor.

Fred continued his victory lap around the room. "Freak Fred rules all wrestlers! The

Hunk, Man Mountain, Killer Kowalski, the Exterminator, the Gladiator-I could pin 'em all

with one hand tied behind my back!"

Fred bounced on the bed, which knocked against the desk, which bumped into the

bookshelf again.

And that's exactly when a book fell off the top shelf. It dropped onto the bed and fell open

to a picture of an ancient Roman gladiator, armed with a net and a trident, standing in a small,

wooden-walled, sand-covered arena.

Now this would have been a very amazing and funny coincidence if the book had been any

other book. But because this book happened to be a cer-tain blue Book with strange

silver writing and symbols on it, this was a very unfortunate and not very funny

coincidence.

A familiar green time-traveling mist swirled around our Three-Way Smackdown. And

before any of us even had a chance to say "Oh no," or "Here we go again," the mist had

covered us up to the top of Fred's World Wrestling hat, and body slammed us back in time to

ancient Ome-ray.

III

The gladiator stood over us and raised his trident overhead. He jabbed down at Fred, Sam,

and me helplessly tangled in the net. The trident was head-ing right for us when . . . when

Sam thrashed around with his sword again . . . and miraculously knocked the trident aside. It

stuck harmlessly into the sand.

The gladiator grunted in surprise and tried to stab us again. Fred swung his wooden

sword and knocked the trident aside. The gladiator stabbed again. I knocked it aside.

"Hold still," yelled the frustrated gladiator. "Die like true gladiators."

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Jon Scieszka - Time Warp Trio 09 - See You Later, Gladiator

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