L Ron Hubbard - Mission Earth 04 - An Alien Affair

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Mission Earth 4: An Alien Affair
Version 1.2
Scanned by casca
Proofed/formatted by BW-SciFi
Voltarian Censor's Disclaimer
For the health, safety and sanity of any reader, it cannot be said often enough that the so-
called planet "Earth," as described in this story, does NOT exist.
And more—it must also be pronounced that it is IMPOSSIBLE for such a planet to exist.
First, Voltarian astrographic charts are the most complete in this galaxy. They cover
millions of light-years and NO record exists of ANY "Earth" or its so-called designation of Blito-
P3. If any such entity existed a mere twenty-two light-years away, we would be the first to know.
But there is NOTHING to be found on any astro-graphic records in the vicinity of the "Earth"
coordinates but spacedust.
Thus the fabricated representation that there was a secret Voltarian base on "Earth" can be
dismissed since there is no such planet. There was once a freighter called the Blixo. Records show
it disappeared with no survivors, probably at the hands of pirates. Thus, any attempt to say that
it was used to make regular six-week runs to bring Earth substances called "drugs" (another
deluded concept) to Voltar is without taste or sensibility.
Therefore, there could NOT have been such a person as "Rockecenter" who controlled an entire
planet's fuel resources as well as "drugs" and the media.
The characters Jettero Heller and Countess Krak are real but clearly their so-called exploits
on this fictional planet could never have occurred. The name Soltan Gris does appear on some
records but this fact does not lend a grain of credit to the account attributed to the narrator
who bears that name.
The idea that Heller, a Royal officer, would be sent on a Grand Council mission to keep such
a planet from destroying itself so it could be invaded later is almost beyond comment. If such a
planet did exist, it would be cordoned off as a malignant growth, not assimilated into our
Confederacy.
This is most evident in the bizarre practices described in this book. It is beyond the bounds
of the most fevered imagination to think there could be such people. It proves beyond any doubt
that it is IMPOSSIBLE for such a planet to exist.
No society could possibly exist that would openly countenance such behavior, let alone
professions called "psychiatry" and "psychology." If such sexual practices as described in this
volume were condoned (let alone promoted in ANY form), one would find a society where pornography
was promoted and perversion promulgated. Crime in such a society would rise to the point where
even heads of state would be assassinated and entire countries destabilized through terrorism.
No, there can be no such society, let alone a planet, where such decadent extremes could be
found. It is impossible. In time, it would destroy itself.
That is why "Earth" does not and cannot exist.
Lord Invay
Royal Historian
Chairman, Board of Censors
Royal Palace
Voltar Confederacy
By Order of
His Imperial Majesty
Wully the Wise
Voltarian Translator's Preface
Hi there.
This is 54 Charlee Nine, the Robotbrain in the Translatophone and the translator of this
work.
In support of the Honorable Lord Invay, I can verify that there is nothing in my most
extensive data banks to compare with what is described in this book. In fact, certain Earth
practices came as such a shock that one of my subcomputers quit in protest and still won't talk to
me and another tried to mate with itself.
Meanwhile, two are still having a great time arguing over the proposition "Earth is dirty,"
one is writing a musical, "Candied," two are coauthoring a book called "101 More Ways to Use
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Mustard and Rolling Pins" and the rest are rejecting this ridiculous behavior with gales of
hysterical laughter.
That leaves me to try and put some order back into the area after I write up the Key to this
volume, which immediately follows.
For a nonexistent planet, Earth is a pain in the circuits.
Sincerely,
54 Charlee Nine
Robotbrain in the Translatophone
Key to AN ALIEN AFFAIR
Absorbo-coat—Coating that absorbs light waves, making the object virtually invisible or
undetectable.
Afyon—City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret base.
Agnes, Miss—Personal aide to Delbert John Rockecenter.
Agricultural Training Center for Peasants—Cover name for the secret Apparatus base in Afyon,
Turkey.
Antimanco—A race exiled long ago from the planet Manco for ritual murders.
Apparatus, Coordinated Information—The secret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned
by criminals.
Assassin Pilots—Space pilots used to kill any Apparatus personnel who try to flee a battle.
Atalanta—Home province for Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak on the planet Manco.
Babe Corleone—The six-foot-six leader of the Corleone mob, widow of "Holy Joe."
Bang-Bang Rimbombo—An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of the Corleone mob.
Barben, I. G.—Pharmaceutical company controlled by Delbert John Rockecenter.
Bawtch—Soltan Gris's chief clerk for Section 451 on Voltar.
Bildirjin, Nurse—Turkish teen-age girl who assists Prahd Bittlestiffender.
Bittlestiffender, Prahd—Cellologist who implanted Jettero Heller back on Voltar. He was brought in
by Soltan Gris to start the phony World United Chanties Mercy and Benevolent Hospital in Afyon.
Blito-P3—Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as "Earth." It is on the Invasion
Timetable as a future way-stop on Voltar's route toward the center of this galaxy.
Blixo—Apparatus freighter that makes regular runs between Earth and Voltar. The voyage takes about
six weeks each way and is piloted by Captain Bolz.
Bolz—Captain of the freighter Blixo.
Bomber—An ordinary Earth vehicle with all of its glass removed and roll bars added. It is found in
"demolition derbies" where the object is to ram others to make them unable to move. A winner of
one of these was defined as the last vehicle that could still move under its own power. The term
is also applied to the driver.
Bugging Gear—Electronic eavesdropping devices that Soltan Gris had implanted in Jettero Heller.
Gris uses a video unit to monitor everything Heller sees or hears. The signals are picked up by
the receiver and decoder that Gris carries. When Heller is more than 200 miles from Gris, the 831
Relayer is turned on and boosts the signal to a range of 10,000 miles.
Bury—Delbert John Rockecenter's most powerful attorney, member of the law firm Swindle and Crouch.
Caucalsia, Prince—Name of Tug One, after a hero of Manco.
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Cellology—Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of
tissues, including entire body parts.
Chank-pop—A small, round ball that, when pressed, sprays a scented fog; used as a refresher on
Voltar.
Code Break—Alerting others that one is an alien. Per a section of the Space Code, it carries an
automatic death penalty. The purpose is to maintain the security of the Invasion Timetable.
Control Star—An electronic device disguised as a star-shaped medallion that can paralyze any of
the Apparatus crew of Antimanco pirates that brought Soltan Gris and Jettero Heller to Earth.
Coordinated Information Apparatus—See Apparatus.
Corleone—A Mafia Family now headed by Babe Corleone, a former Roxy chorus girl and widow of "Holy
Joe."
Crobe, Doctor—Apparatus cellologist who delights in making freaks; he worked in Spiteos.
Empire University—Where Jettero Heller is taking classes in New York City.
Epstein, Izzy—Student at Empire University and financial expert whom Jettero Heller hired to set
up a corporate structure to handle his finances.
Faht Bey—Turkish name of the commander of the secret Apparatus base in Afyon, Turkey.
F.F.B.O.—Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising firm in the world.
Flagrant, J. P.—Vice President at F.F.B.O. He was fired during the hiring of J. Walter Madison.
Fleet—The elite space fighting arm of Voltar to which Jettero Heller belongs and which the
Apparatus despises.
Geovani—One of Babe Corleone's bodyguards.
Gracious Palms—The elegant whorehouse where Jettero Heller resides. It is across from the United
Nations and is run by the Corleone Family.
Grand Council—The governing body of Voltar which ordered a mission to keep Earth from destroying
itself so the Invasion Timetable could be maintained.
Gris, Soltan—Apparatus officer placed in charge of the Blito-P3 (Earth) Section and an enemy of
Jettero Heller.
Hakluyt—Sixteenth-century Earthman who wrote of various explorations in the eastern United States.
Hatchetheimer, General—Last surviving member of Adolf Hitler's general staff.
Heller, Hightee—Sister of Jettero Heller and most popular entertainer in the Voltar confederacy.
Heller, Jettero—Combat engineer and Royal officer of the Fleet, sent by Grand Council order to
Earth, where he is operating under the name of Jerome Terrance Wister.
Hisst, Lombar—Head of the Apparatus who, to keep the Grand Council from discovering his plan, sent
Soltan Gris to sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
"Holy Joe" Corleone—Head of the Corleone Family until murdered. He did not believe in pushing
drugs, hence his name.
Hypnohelmet—Device placed over the head and used to induce a hypnotic state.
Inkswitch—Name used by Soltan Gris when pretending to be a U.S. Federal officer.
Invasion Timetable—A schedule of galactic conquest. The plans and budget of every section of
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Voltar's government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's ancestors hundreds of thousands of
years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.
Karagoz—Turkish peasant, head of Soltan Gris's house in Afyon.
Knife Section—Section of the Apparatus named after its favorite weapon.
Krak, Countess—Condemned murderess, prisoner of Spiteos and sweetheart of Jettero Heller.
Lepertige—Large catlike animal as tall as a man.
Line-jumper—Small spacecraft used by the Voltarian Army to lift and quickly move up to one hundred
tons across battle lines.
Louseini, Razza—Consigliere to mob chief Faustino "The Noose" Narcotici.
Madison, J. Walter—Fired from F.F.B.O. when his style of public relations caused the president of
Patagonia to commit suicide, he was rehired by Bury to immortalize Jettero Heller in the media. He
is also known as J. Warbler Madman.
Magic Mail—Apparatus trick where a letter is mailed but won't be delivered as long as a designated
card is regularly sent.
Manco—Home planet of Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak.
Maysabongo—A small African nation of which Jettero Heller was made a representative. Izzy Epstein
made some of Heller's businesses Maysabongo corporations.
Mudlick Construction Company—A private company in Turkey that gives Soltan Gris kickbacks whenever
he gives them a contract.
Multinational—Name of umbrella corporation, located in the Empire State Building, that Izzy
Epstein set up to manage other Jettero Heller companies.
Mutazione, Mike—Owner of the Jiffy-Spiffy Garage who customized, for Jettero Heller, both the
Cadillac and the vintage cab.
Narcotici, Faustino "The Noose"—Head of a Mafia Family that is the underworld outlet for drugs
from I. G. Barben and is trying to take over the territory of the Corleone Family.
Nature Appreciation 101—Class taught by Miss Simmons to which she has assigned Jettero Heller in
order to flunk him out of Empire University.
Octopus Oil—A Delbert John Rockecenter company that controls the world's petroleum.
Odur—See Oh Dear.
Oh Dear—Nickname for Odur. With Too-Too, forced by Soltan Gris to get information on Voltar and
courier it to him on Earth.
Peace, Miss—Secretary to Delbert John Rockecenter.
Raht—An Apparatus agent on Earth who, with Terb, was assigned by Lombar Hisst to help Soltan Gris
sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
Rockecenter, Delbert John—Native of Earth who controls all the planet's fuel, finances,
governments and drugs.
Roke, Tars—Astrographer to the Emperor of Voltar, Cling the Lofty, and old friend of Jettero
Heller. It was his briefing to the Grand Council that prompted Mission Earth to restore the
Invasion Timetable.
Section 451—A Section in the Apparatus on Voltar, headed by Soltan Gris.
Seven Brothers—Secret consortium on Earth that includes Octopus Oil as the senior member.
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Silva, Gunsalmo—Former bodyguard to "Holy Joe" and believed to be the one responsible for killing
the Corleone boss. Soltan Gris sent him to kill the CIA Director and be killed.
Simmons, Miss—A teacher at Empire University who has promised Jettero Heller she will flunk him
out of school.
Smith, John—An alias that Soltan Gris uses as a Delbert John Rockecenter employee.
Space Code—See Code Break.
Spiteos—The secret mountain fortress and prison run by the Apparatus on Voltar where the Countess
Krak and Jettero Heller had been imprisoned.
Stabb, Captain—Leader of the Antimanco crew that piloted Tug One.
Stinger—A flexible whip about eighteen inches long with an electric jolt in its tip-lash.
Sultan Bey—The Turkish name Soltan Gris assumes in Afyon, Turkey.
Swindle and Crouch—Law firm that represents Delbert John Rockecenter's interests.
Tavilnasty, Jimmy "The Gutter"—Hit man for the Corleone family until killed by Gunsalmo Silva.
Tayl, Widow—Nymphomaniac on Voltar. She had a small hospital that Soltan Gris used when he had
Prahd Bittlestiffender implant Jettero Heller with Bugging Gear.
Terb—Apparatus agent on Earth who, with Raht, was assigned by Lombar Hisst to help Soltan Gris
sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
Too-Too—Nickname for Twolah. He and Oh Dear were forced by Soltan Gris to get information on
Voltar and courier it secretly back to him on Earth.
Tug One—The spaceship used by Jettero Heller to travel the 22 1/2 light-years to Earth. Heller
renamed it the Prince Caucalsia.
Twolah—See Too-Too.
Utanc—A belly dancer that Soltan Gris bought to be his concubine slave.
Vantagio—Manager of the Gracious Palms, the elegant whorehouse operated by the Corleone Family,
across the street from the United Nations.
Voltar—Home planet and seat of the 110-world Confederacy that was established 125,000 years ago.
Voltar is ruled by the Emperor through the Grand Council in accordance with the Invasion
Timetable.
Whiz Kid—Nickname given to Jettero Heller by J. Walter Madison. In addition, Madison has another
person acting as Heller's "double" to get publicity without Heller's consent. The phony "Whiz Kid"
has buckteeth, a protruding jaw and wears glasses. He looks nothing like Heller.
Wister, Jerome Terrance—Name that Jettero Heller is using on Earth.
World United Charities Mercy and Benevolent Hospital—Cover name for business that Soltan Gris set
up in Afyon under Prahd Bittlestiffender to alter the faces and fingerprints of gangsters for
exorbitant fees.
Zanco—Cellological equipment and supplies company on Voltar.
451, Section—See Section 451.
831 Relayer—See Bugging Gear.
PART TWENTY-NINE
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To My Lord Turn, Justiciary of the Royal Courts and Prison, Government City, Planet Voltar,
Voltar Confederacy
Your Lordship, Sir!
I, Soltan Gris, Grade XI, General Services Officer, former Secondary Executive of the
Coordinated Information Apparatus, Voltar Confederacy (All Hail His Majesty Cling the Lofty and
His Noble Dominions), hereby humbly submit the fourth volume of my confession regarding MISSION
EARTH.
This volume has been the most difficult to relate and I must warn you beforehand that it will
take a strong constitution to read. The crimes that I have openly and willingly confessed up to
this point pale by comparison. The screams and blood are as vivid as if they were now.
That I would be put into the pinched position I am about to describe in this volume is now,
looking back, beyond all comprehension.
I am not to blame for what I did. I was driven to it by Jettero Heller. The man is dangerous
and the sooner he is found, arrested and killed, the better. I speak not only from experience but
from my study of Freud and Bugs Bunny which makes me as expert as any Earth psychiatrist.
Heller's violence is a sexual outlet. He is a classical example of a suppressed Oedipal-id in
conflict with a sublimated father-ego fixation.
Look at this brilliant psychiatric analysis:
1. Heller lived at the Gracious Palms whorehouse across from the United Nations. And what
does the UN have out in front? Flagpoles. And everyone knows what flagpoles mean. Freud is never
wrong.
2. Babe Corleone's Mafia family ran the Gracious Palms. At six-foot-six, she is hardly a
"babe." She is a widow and yet "Babe" became Heller's surrogate Earth mother. That's the source of
his Oedipal fixation.
3. Heller's infantile behavior was confirmed when J. Walter Madison, that master of PR
(public relations—another brilliant Earth idea), was hired to immortalize him. He called Heller
the Whiz Kid. The choice of name is indisputable proof.
4. Heller was using a platen code to write reports back to Voltar. A platen is a sheet with
holes. You lay it over the document and the code words can be seen and the actual message read
through the holes. This is further proof of his sexual aggression. (It's also his underhanded way
of antagonizing me. He knows I can't forge his reports without the platen and that I can't kill
him until I find it. It's typical of his aggressive nature.)
5. Heller's right-hand man was Bang-Bang, an ex-marine, member of the Corleone family and an
expert not only with explosives but guns. Guns are merely phallic symbols to the sublimated super-
ego, but Bang-Bang's name is proof enough of Heller's sexual problems.
6. Heller had set up corporate offices that were run by that anti-IRS anarchist, Izzy
Epstein. The offices were in the Empire State Building and everyone knows what the shape of that
building means. Further psychiatric fact.
7. Heller bought and then converted a large Cadillac to a Voltarian fuel system. He clearly
chose that car because of the two "l's" in "Cadillac." Like the UN flagpoles, they are clearly
phallic symbols. (And take note that Heller's name also has two "l's," perhaps my most brilliant
Freudian analysis and final proof that his criminal nature has a sexual origin.)
Conclusion: Heller is the source of my problems and should be killed with slow torture.
This is an example of how Earth psychiatry and psychology work. It never fails me. I used it
to keep riffraff in line like those two bumbling Apparatus agents Raht and Terb.
I also used it on that crazy hit man Gunsalmo Silva when I found that he had been hired to
guard Utanc, my one true love. As a wild desert flower from the Kara Kum desert, she would need
protection—but not Silva. So I cleverly convinced him to go kill the Director of the CIA, a
suicide mission if there ever was one. Then I brought Utanc with me to the United States. That is
how you use psychology for your benefit.
The trip to the U.S. was quite beneficial. Besides obtaining my phony federal credentials, I
met "the Man" himself, Delbert J. Rockecenter. He and his attorney Bury were most grateful that I
had alerted them to Heller's plan to produce a cheap, non-polluting fuel. (After all, as
Rockecenter goes, so goes the plan of Lombar Hisst to move up from head of the Apparatus to
Emperor.)
Due to my invaluable contribution, I was sworn in and had my chest invisibly tattooed by Miss
Peace as a Rockecenter Family "Spi," her clever way to code the word so no one else could
understand it. Wonderful girl.
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Bury introduced me to PR. To stop Heller, he hired Madison, otherwise known as J. Warbler
Madman.
Heller had brought a small Voltarian element converter that was capable of producing fuel
from virtually any source. He wanted to demonstrate it in his Cadillac in a thousand-lap endurance
race at the Spreeport Speedway. Well, J. Warbler got to work.
Madison created a "double" for Heller and called him the Whiz Kid and while Heller prepared
for the race, J. Warbler was getting one front-page story after another, with the bogus Whiz Kid
challenging racing drivers around the world. He put the Whiz Kid on TV talk shows attacking the
oil companies. He got spot ads, skywriting, radio news. The buildup for the race was the biggest
thing to hit the media in ages.
Heller couldn't figure out why all the newspapers, radios and TV stations were claiming to
have interviewed him. He was working on the Caddy. Besides, with the jutting jaw, buckteeth and
glasses, this "Whiz Kid" didn't even look like Heller!
Little did he know the rules of PR! Madison didn't need his consent. And truth had nothing to
do with it. The standard that Madison worked on was "Do whatever would make the front page." So he
simply created and cranked out one story after another while Heller shrugged and went about his
work in a garage beyond Spreeport.
Heller didn't stand a chance. First, Madison got the race converted to a Demolition Derby and
Combined Endurance Run with a dozen and a half killers, all screaming for Heller's blood. Second,
Lombar had earlier sabotaged the Voltarian element converter that Heller was using as a
carburetor. It had only a few hours left, too few for him to finish the race.
But to really make sure Heller was stopped, I followed the advice my Apparatus professors
used to give: if you want a job done right, give it to someone else.
I hired a couple of snipers, armed them with silenced, telescopically equipped rifles and
dressed them in white to blend in with the snow that had been falling steadily for three days. I
rented a van with a nice heater, got myself a good spot on a knoll overlooking the Spree-port
Speedway on Long Island, set the buzzer on Heller's viewer to wake me when he rose and settled
down for the night.
If the bomber cars didn't stop Heller, a .30-06 Accelerator bullet, travelling at 4,080 feet
per second, would.
As I bedded down for the night, I was smiling.
Heller was doomed!
Chapter 1
Heller's viewer buzzed me awake. It was not yet 4:00 A.M.! He must be nervous to be up so
early even on this fateful Saturday. Then I realized that the highways to the Spreeport Speedway
would be choked with crowds and snowplows and cars. Heller would want a head start.
I had spent the night parked on a hill overlooking the speedway. Despite the freezing outside
temperature, the heater had kept the van comfortable. To see how Heller was faring, I pulled up
the viewer. Thanks to Voltarian technology, those bugs planted next to his optic and audio nerves
would transmit in any temperature.
He was in a motel room. Being Jettero Heller, he spin-brushed his teeth and dressed very
neatly in warm, red racing clothes. He threw his kit together. And then, pulling a snow-mask
across his face, he went outside. It was a blizzard. You could hardly see thirty feet through the
motel parking-lot lights.
He was evidently using the front end of his semi for transportation, for there was no trailer
attached to its kingplate, or "fifth wheel." The tractor sat there in its huge metal bulk, exhaust
stacks rearing in the air like factory chimneys. The nameplate said Peterbilt. From the size of
its cab I guessed it must be one of the five-hundred-horsepower diesel jobs they sometimes, by
themselves, use in races. Then I discarded the idea he was going to use it in the race today. It
wouldn't be allowed.
He walked around it. Every one of the ten huge wheels wore big chains. They'd be needed the
way that snow was falling and drifting through the dark.
He stepped up on a fuel tank step, then onto a higher ledge and unlocked the door. As he
opened it and the lights went on, I was amazed: the interior looked like a Fleet spaceship! All
upholstered, chromed beyond belief, even a stereo!
He put a key in a lock and hit the starter. It roared into life. He cut down the revs and
then turned on the heaters and de-icers.
Opening a seat, he took out a medium-sized ball peen hammer. He dropped out of the cab, went
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file:///F|/rah/L%20Ron%20Hubbard/Mission%20Earth%2004%20-%20An%20Alien%2\0Affair.txtMissionEarth4:AnAlienAffairVersion1.2ScannedbycascaProofed/formattedbyBW-SciFiVoltarianCensor'sDisclaimerForthehealth,safetyandsanityofanyreader,itcannotbesaid\oftenenoughthattheso-calledplanet"Earth,"asdescribedinth...

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