A Dixie Christmas.Carol

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Dixie Christmas Carol 1

A DIXIE CHRISTMAS CAROL

by Charles Dickens

Adapted by

Orson Scott Card

OLD JOE, incredibly old, is sitting in silence facing the audience. He has a small

writing table next to him; he is holding a quill pen that rests on the paper. ANNIE

FLAMMER enters, comes up behind him. She circles him -- he doesn't react.

Behind him, she makes faces at him. MRS. DILBER enters with a sack over her

shoulder.

DILBER

Is he poorly?

ANNIE holds the current grimace, wheels to face Dilber, then turns back.

DILBER

My laws, what a purty little thing you is.

DILBER sets down bag.

DILBER (Hopefully)

Is he dead?

Dixie Christmas Carol 2

ANNIE (sniffs the air, grimaces)

He must be breathin' -- it smells like a wet hound dog in here.

DILBER

Talk to him nice, Annie, or you won't get a dime.

ANNIE

Two bits or the time of day, I ain't gettin' neither.

DILBER (gleeful)

You got nothin', didn't you!

Enter BEN WIGGLE, Undertaker.

ANNIE

And how could I? They was always somebody there moanin' an'

cryin'.

WIGGLE

All them folks howlin' like a bunch of cats won't bring him back.

That ol' boy's dead as your old toenails.

DILBER

Dead as a doornail, you mean.

WIGGLE

Lawsy, Mrs. Dilber, ain't we smart today. I say he's dead as your

old toenails, an' I reckon doornails ain't no deader. Huh? Huh?

DILBER

Excuse the undeription, Mister Ben Wiggle, sir.

WIGGLE

I say what good is it havin' friends drippin' all them tears on your

coffin. Does the water make him grow?

ANNIE

It does.

WIGGLE scowls.

ANNIE

It makes him grow moldy!

DILBER (laughing unroariously)

Oh, she's as smart as a pig in pants, Wiggle. She put one over on

you!

Dixie Christmas Carol 3

OLD JOE seizes his ink-bottle and throws it arthritically to the ground. The sound

freezes them all, and DILBER looks with fear toward the unmoving figure.

DILBER

Oh, we're sorry sir.

WIGGLE

Yes, sir, we offer you our most deepest appendectomies.

ANNIE

We won't make another peep.

They gather together, sudden allies in the darkness. They wait a moment, then OLD

JOE taps his pen. All three leap forward at once, but it's ANNIE that gets the ink-

bottle and puts it on the writing-stand. Then MRS. DILBER opens her bag.

DILBER

I didn't get much. Just two old shirts.

ANNIE (outraged)

Where'd you get those? I looked all over!

DILBER

In a bag on the front step. He was given' 'em to the poor.

WIGGLE

Yes, sir, that's us, and we got 'em.

DILBER

I got 'em!

A tap from the pen. They become quiet, and WIGGLE reads what Old Joe has

written

WIGGLE

Four bits.

DILBER

Four bits! (Catches herself, says with an edge) Thank you, sir.

Four bits, oh, that's a magubrious payment for all my hard work.

ANNIE

It's four bits more than I get, 'cause I got nothin', Mr. Joe, an'

lucky to get away with that much. All them people there.

WIGGLE

Weepin' and moanin'.

Dixie Christmas Carol 4

DILBER

And cryin'.

WIGGLE

That's weepin'.

ANNIE

So what did you get, Ben Wiggle?

WIGGLE

Mr. Wiggle to dogs and little children. I got as much as you, and

for the same reason. Also there wasn't nothin' to take. I got to

him with his wallet still on him!

DILBER

With his wallet!

WIGGLE

But it was empty as a churchmouse.

DILBER

Empty as a churchmouse? Oh, he's a genius, he is.

ANNIE

Somebody beat you to it?

WIGGLE

No, he gave all his money away. He died without a cent on him,

and so I'm poor as dirt for another day.

DILBER

I always heard he was a rich man!

WIGGLE

Sure, he made money, but it slipped right out of his hands. Gave

it all away to every beggar with a teary tale.

DILBER

Him, give away? I remember when he wouldn't spit on the

sidewalk less'n somebody paid him fifty cents for irrigatin'.

WIGGLE

Yes, ma'am, he's changed. Powerful changed. He died with a

smile, they say.

DILBER

I heard of him as a stingy old miser.

WIGGLE

That he was, till a few odd Christmases ago. Then of a sudden he

turned from the devil into Father Christmas.

ANNIE

Fine Christmas he's given us.

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DixieChristmasCarol1ADIXIECHRISTMASCAROLbyCharlesDickensAdaptedbyOrsonScottCardCopyright©2000OrsonScottCard,AllRightsReserved.1OLDJOE,incrediblyold,issittinginsilencefacingtheaudience.Hehasasmallwritingtablenexttohim;heisholdingaquillpenthatrestsonthepaper.ANNIEFLAMMERenters,comesupbehindhim.Shecirc...

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A Dixie Christmas.Carol

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