Anthony, Piers - Xanth 19 - A Roc and a Hard Place

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vi CONTENTS

11. CHENA...

12. SCRAMBLE .......

13. MPD..............

14. PROSECUTION....

15. DEFENSE..........

16. VERDICT..........

AUTHOR'S NOTE,

.205

.232

.252

.275

.297

.316

.338

PROBLEM

It was a nice castle, with high turrets, solid walls, a deep

moat, and an elevated office suite whose picture window

overlooked the nearby community of nymphs. Fire

cracker plants grew around the wall, useful for starting fires

in the mornings, and the crackers tasted good too. The con-

nected orchard had pie trees of the most sinfully delicious

varieties. The mistress of the household was exactly as beau-

tiful, devoted, and accommodating as her husband desired.

A man could hardly ask for a better situation.

Except for one or two small things. ' 'Where is your worser

half?" Veleno muttered, looking apprehensively around.

"Don't worry," the Demoness Metria replied with a smile

as her scant clothing shimmered into nothingness. "I sent

Mentia off to see the Demon Grossclout about our other

problem."

"Other problem?"

2 PIERS ANTHONY

She pretended not to hear. "Grossclout's such an intrac-

table cuss that it should take her days to pry any kind of an

answer from him."

"That's a relief!" he said, looking more than relieved.

"It's not that I want to be critical, but—"

"But Mentia is slightly crazy," Metria finished. "And you

married me, not my worser half. But because she did fission

off from me, being disgusted by my new goody-goody atti-

tude after I got half your soul, we can't keep her away. She's

the half of me you naturally don't like—the soulless half,

dedicated to making your life half-muled."

"Half-whatted?"

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"Horsed, equined, donkeyed, asinined—"

He kissed her. "I think I could fathom the word if I con-

centrated. Let's make hay while the sun shines."

She looked perplexed. "Hay? I thought you had

something else in mind." A tantalizing wisp of strategically

placed clothing appeared.

"I love it when you tease me," he said, picking her up

and carrying her to the master bedroom.

She assumed the form of a nymph. "Eeeeek!" she cried

faintly, kicking her marvelous bare legs in the nymphly way.

"Whatever am I going to do?"

"You're going to make me deliriously happy, you lus-

cious creature."

She inhaled, enhancing what hardly needed it. "0, sigh,

how can I escape this hideous fate?" she wailed cutely, kiss-

ing him on eye, ear, nose, and throat.

They fell together on the bed, in a tangle of limbs, faces,

kisses, and whatnot. "You are the best thing that ever hap-

pened to me," Veleno gasped around the activity. "You're

just the most wonderful, beautiful, lovable, exciting, fantastic

person in all Xanth'"

"You damn me with faint praise," she muttered, clasping

him with such ardor that description would be improper.

Another demoness popped into the chamber. "Oh, there

you are, Metria!" she exclaimed. "No wonder I couldn't find

Roc AND A HARD PLACE 3

you around the grounds. I have brought you what you most

vitally need."

Veleno stiffened, but not in the way he desired. "Oh, no!"

Metria looked up from what was occupying her. "At the

least opportune time, of course. Do you mind, worser half?

I happen to be busy at the moment."

Mentia peered closely. "Oh? Doing what?"

"Making my husband deliriously happy, of course, as only

a demoness can."

"When not being annoyingly interrupted," Veleno mut-

tered.

Mentia peered again. "Sorry. I thought that was a grimace

of pain on what's-his-name's face. Are you sure you are

doing an adequate job, better half?"

"Of course I'm sure!" Metria said indignantly. "He has

not complained once in seven hundred and fifty times during

the past year."

"Oh? What about that groan he groaned just now?"

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"That was when you appeared!"

"Well, if you feel that way, I'll just depart with what I

brought, and never never return."

"Oop, no!" Metria cried with alarm. "I need it!"

Her husband, somewhat bemused by the interruption, put

in two more words. "Need what?"

"Never mind," Metria said. "It's a soldier matter."

"A what matter?" he asked. '

"Secluded, cloistered, isolated, remote, detached, ob-

scure—''

"Private?"

"Whatever," she agreed crossly.

"But what could be private from your husband?" he asked

somewhat querulously.

"Yes, whatever could you be suspiciously concealing

from your trusting spouse?" Mentia echoed.

"Can't we have this discussion some other time?" Metria

demanded, frustrated.

4 PIERS ANTHONY /

"Of course, dear," Mentia agreed. "I'll pop back in dur-

ing the next century." She began to fuzz out.

"No, wait!" Metria cried. "Now will do after all."

"Why, how nice," Mentia said, smiling with something

more than good nature. "But don't you think you should

introduce us first?"

"Whatever for? He knows who the mischief you are, from

ever since you returned from that madness with the gargoyle."

"Yes, but he may have forgotten. I've been away a whole

hour, you know."

"That long?" Veleno inquired with resignation.

Metria gritted her teeth. There was nothing half so annoy-

ing as half a demoness! But she knew her worser half would

not give over until she had her half-baked way. "Veleno,

this is the Demoness Mentia, my soulless worser half, who

represents what I was like before I got half-souled, except

that she has no problem with vocational."

"With what?"

"Idiom, language, speech, expression, locution, utterance,

articulation—''

"Words?"

."Whatever. Instead, she's slightly crazy."

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"Yes, it's my talent," Mentia agreed proudly.

"And, Mentia, this is my husband Veleno, formerly a

nymphomaniac, but he hasn't touched a nymph since I mar-

ried him and took half his soul."

"Yes, but hasn't he looked at nymphs out the window,

with a glint in his—?"

"Pleased to meet you," Veleno gritted, drawing free a

hand and extending it. "Now will you begone?"

"Charmed, I'm sure," Mentia said, forming a pair of pin-

cers on the end of her arm.

"Ixnay," Metria murmured wamingly. "Mortals are pro-

tected from harm in this castle."

"Oh, that's right," Mentia agreed, disappointed. The pin-

cers became an ordinary hand, which shook Veleno's hand.

"That was one of the conditions of the restoration. Well,

Roc AND A HARD PLACE 5

now that your mortal man and I have been properly intro-

duced, I will give you what you most need, Metria."

At last! But Metria still wasn't easy about this. "Veleno,

dearest, why don't you take a little snooze for the moment?"

Metria suggested dulcetly, covering his eyes with her hand.

"But what could you need that I have not provided?" he

asked, frowning.

"Yes, I'm sure he will be really, truly interested in this

very important secret matter," Mentia said, sitting on the

edge of the bed, so that her thigh touched Veleno.

"Oh, all right," Metria said, really crossly.

"Have no concern, dear, I will explain it excruciatingly

clearly," Mentia said. "What I bring is information to help

abate your incapacity, so you won't be a failure anymore."

' 'What incapacity?'' Veleno demanded.' 'My wife has made

me deliriously happy almost continuously since we married."

"That is the problem," Mentia said. "She has helped you

with the chore of summoning the stork seven hundred and

fifty—" she peered again "—and a half times this year, and

more times during the prior year when I was too busy to be

with her, unfortunately, and yet the stork has not gotten the

message. She is clearly inadequate in this department."

Veleno pondered, slowly realizing the truth of this state-

ment. "That hadn't occurred to me," he said. "I was too

delirious to think of the stork. But how could it fail to get

the messages?"

"That is precisely what Metria wants to know," Mentia

said. ' 'Whatever could be wrong with her to bomb so badly

in so many attempts? Whatever could make her such a sore

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loser? Especially when I could so readily have—"

"Nuh-uh!" Metria and Veleno said together.

"So she sent me to .ask the most intelligent creature she

knows, the Demon Grossclout, for advice," Mentia contin-

ued without concern, "and he instantly delegated me to con-

vey that essential advice to her. Naturally I delayed not half

a whit to honor that stricture. Her failing is simply too serious

to permit any delay."

6 PIERS ANTHONY

"Thank you so much, Worser," Metria snarled.

"You are so welcome. Better. I knew you would want to

attend to your washout without delay." Mentia's form

fuzzed, and assumed the likeness of a giant lemon, then a

cooked turkey. "I am thrilled to have been of so much help."

"You haven't been of much help yet," Metria said grimly.

"What did Grossclout say7'

' 'Oh, that. He says you should go ask Good Magician

Humfrey."

"But Humfrey charges a year's service for a single An-

swer!" Metria protested. "I don't want to pay that! That's

why I went to Grossclout."

"Grossclout did add a few words," Mentia said. "I be-

lieve those words were mush-head, cheapskate, and serve her

right;'

"That's Grossclout, all right," Metria agreed. "He still

holds a grudge just because I chose to sand my nails in his

dull magic classes at Demon U."

"Actually, that was I who did that," Mentia said, smiling

reminiscently. "Back when we were inextricably bound to-

gether as alternate aspects of a single demoness. Those were

the days! But I did not see fit to remind the Professor of

that." She paused reflectively. "I might be able to remember

a few more of his words, if it's really important," she offered

helpfully.

"Thank you so much, no," Metria said. "I think I have

fathomed his altitude."

"His what?"

"Manner, disposition, temperament, bent, inclination, pen-

chant—''

"Attitude?" Veleno inquired.

"Whatever," Metria said crossly.

"From the height of his eminence," Mentia agreed.

' 'Well, if you need no further assistance or advice on tech-

nique—''

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"None!" Metria said.

"Too bad." Mentia faded out.

Roc AND A HARD PLACE 7

"You want the stork to deliver a baby?" Veleno inquired

as Metria resumed activity.

"Yes. It's what married couples do. Raise children."

"But demonesses don't get babies unless they want

them."

"Precisely. I want one." She looked away. "I suppose I

should have told you, and I can't blame you for being an-

gry."

"But I'm not angry."

"You aren't? But it might interrupt the delirium, and give

you the solid obligation of raising a child."

"Exactly! I want a family, now that it occurs to me."

Metria gazed at him with adoration tinged substantially

with relief. "Wonderful!"

Now he was thoughtful. "The stork must figure that our

signals aren't serious."

"Which is ironic, considering how strong we have made

them. I've just got to get the stork's distention!"

"The stork's what?"

"Observation, mindfulness, notice, focus, application—"

"Attention?"

"Whatever. What do you think I should do?"

He considered. "I think you should go to ask the Good

Magician."

"But then I would have to leave you alone for a year."

"Surely you could return on occasion. It might mean you

could make me deliriously happy only three or four hundred

times in that year, but I think I can survive that deprivation.

After all, I want you to be happy too."

"You dear wonderful man!" she exclaimed, and pro-

ceeded to do the impossible: to make him twice as delirious

as before.

But before she went, she checked around the premises, de-

bating with herself, because her worser half had decided to

unify for the occasion, now that there was a chance her life

8 PIERS ANTHONY

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would become interesting again. 'Do I really want to do

this?' Metria asked herself.

'Why not? It isn't as if you have anything important to do

around here.' Mentia had fissioned off in disgust when Me-

tria married, got half a soul, and fell in love, in that order.

Her worser half claimed to have been on a grand adventure

with a gargoyle, and helped save all Xanth from madness,

but that was surely an exaggeration. She had merged as soon

as Metria stopped being nauseatingly nice to her husband.

'If you had half a soul, you would have a different aiti—

attitude.'

'Praise the Demon X(AJN)<h that I have not been corrupted

with any portion of a soul,' Mentia agreed. Their dialogue

was silent because it was internal; no one else could overhear

it. She pointed with their left hand. 'There's a sand worm;

step on it.'

'I will not,' Metria retorted. 'That wouldn't be nice.' She

lifted the worm carefully with their right hand and inspected

it. It was, of course, made of sand; if direct sunlight or water

touched it, it would powder or dissolve away. So she put it

back in a dry shaded section, and watched it wiggle off.

'Disgusting,' Mentia remarked to no one else in particular.

'But you can redeem your demonly nature by squishing that

June bug.'

'No way. Kill a June bug and the year loses its most ro-

mantic month.'

Mentia grimaced with the left side of their face. 'I'd rather

have you half-bottomed than half-souled.' She looked

around, using Metria's left eye. 'I see that go-quat tree is

fruiting.'

'So is the come-quat tree,' Metria agreed. 'Veleno likes

them, when he's coming and going.'

'Which is he doing when he's alone with you?'

'The opposite of what he wants you to be doing.'

But Mentia could not be shamed. 'Here is my favorite: the

grapes with an attitude.'

'Sour grapes,' Metria agreed. 'Your kind.'

ROC AND A HARD PLACE 9

'So why are you dawdling around here, instead of getting

moving to the Good Magician's castle?'

'I'm just not sure it's right to leave my husband on half

rations.'

"There's all the food he needs, growing right around the

castle here.'

'Half rations of delirium.'

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'Oh.' Mentia looked around again, until the left eyeball

was oriented completely to the side. 'Let's make it easy,

then. See that winged nut tree?'

The right eye swiveled. 'Of course. The nuts are almost

as nutty as you are.'

'If the right wing nut flies first, we stay right here. If the

left one flies first, we pop over to see the Good Magician.'

'That would be a crazy way to make such an important

decision.'

'Precisely. Agreed?'

Metria sighed. It was as good a way as any. 'Agreed.'

They watched the two nuts quiver. The right one spread

its wings. Then suddenly the left one lurched into the air and

flew across to the nearby bolt tree. 'How romantic,' Mentia

said, amused by what the boldest bolt did with the nut.

'Why don't you find it romantic when Veleno and I—'

'Once is amusing. Seven hundred and fifty times is droll.'

'Not when you're in love.'

'I'm glad I'll never be in love. Let's be on our way.'

Metria couldn't dawdle any longer, even if it did seem

somewhat nutty or screwed up.

The Good Magician's castle looked ordinary. Its wall and

turrets were set within a sparkling circular moat, which in

turn was inside a ring of mountains. Neither would be any

problem for a demoness to pop across.

But Metria was unable to pop across. When she tried, she

bounced off an invisible barrier. 'Dam, I forgot!' she swore.

'The old fool has a shield against demonly intrusion.'

10 PIERS ANTHONY

'That's what you consider swearing? That's not even wor-

thy of the Juvenile Conspiracy.'

Worse, she was unable to fly or dematerialize in this vi-

cinity. Obviously the Good Magician had improved his de-

fenses in the past century or so. 'We'll have to plod across

the way mortals do.'

Metria plodded. As she approached the ring of mountains,

she saw that they were in the shape of huge loaves of sugar.

Fortunately the slope was not too steep to prevent her from

climbing. It was a pain, having to leg it instead of pop or

float it, but she wasn't going to let it balk her.

She crested the mountain—and abruptly lost her footing

and slid helplessly down toward the moat. Here the sugar

was loose and granular, offering no purchase. Soon she was

unceremoniously dumped into the moat.

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And promptly booted out again. She sailed back over the

mountain and landed on the ground beyond. The grass

hopped out of the way before her derriere struck; it was the

grass hopper variety.

"That's boot rear!" she exclaimed aloud. "The moat is

filled with it."

'I think I begin to see a pattern here,' Mentia remarked.

'I think I'll leave you to your challenges.'

'Oh no you don't!' Metria retorted. 'You talked me into

this nuisance; you'll help me see it through. Besides, I don't

trust you with my husband while I'm away. You might

promise him heaven, and give him hell, and I'd get the

blame.'

'Curses! Foiled again.'

Metria tackled the mountain again. From the outside it was

solid sugar, easy to climb. As she approached the crest, she

trod extremely cautiously, but found no break in the steep

sandy slope. The moment she stepped on that, she would be

dumped into the moat with a kick.

This was definitely a challenge. That meant that not only

would she have to struggle to find her way past this one,

Roc AND A HARD PLACE 11

there would be two more beyond it. "What a pity!" she

swore in frustration.

'What a pity!' her worser self mimicked. 'That half soul

has denatured you.'

'So it made me into a nice person,' Metria retorted. 'So

what's wrong with that?'

'It's undemonly: I'll bet you can't even say poop.'

'Of course I can say peep!'

'Point made.'

'Well, if you're so demonly, how do you propose to get

us across this sweet mess?'

Mentia considered. 'The mountain is sweet, but the moat

isn't. It likes to kick donkey.'

'So it boots rear. That's its nature. Tell me something I

don't already know.' Metria rubbed her booted rear; if she

weren't a demoness, that would really be smarting along

about now.

'Maybe if we made it sweet, it wouldn't have so much of

a kick.'

'Make it sweet? But how—' Then Metria saw the point.

'Let's get busy.'

She formed her hands into scoops and began scooping

loose sugar down the slope. Soon she managed to start an

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avalanche. Sugar slid grandly down and plunged into the

moat.

After she had scooped as much of the mountain into the

water as she could, she found that she was able to descend

without sliding. She-had taken the edge off the slope. She

went down and stood at the bank of the moat, which now

looked somewhat soggy. She poked a finger into it, and

tested a drop of soggy water on her tongue. There was only

a little bit of tingle. Sure enough, she had pretty much de-

natured its kick.

However, the moat was now a mass of sickly sweet muck.

The mere touch of her feet ift it was enough to make her feel

somewhat sick, as if she had overeaten or overimbibed. Since

demons neither ate nor drank, she knew this was more magic.

12 PIERS ANTHONY

She would be very uncomfortable if she waded through all

that, even if she didn't get her rear booted out.

So she walked around the edge until she came to the draw-

bridge, which was in the down position. She had not been

able to reach it before because the steep slope had dumped

her where it chose to in the moat, but now it could not stop

her from reaching it. She had surmounted the first challenge.

This becomes dull,' Mentia said. 'I'm going to take a nap.

You handle the next challenge, and I'll handle the third,

okay?'

'Okay,' Metria agreed. She wasn't concerned about her

worser self, as long as she knew where Mentia was.

She set foot on the planks of the moat—and something

buzzed up before her, barring the way. It seemed to be two

dots, like an incomplete ellipsis, except that they were up

and down instead of across. "What in tintinnabulation are

you?" she demanded.

"I don't understand: What in what?" the dot formation

asked.

"Bells, ringing, music, jangle, discordance, melody—"

"Try again: None of those words make sense," the dots

said angrily.

"Damnation, hell, abyss, underworld, hades, inferno, per-

dition—"

"Let me guess: Tarnation?"

"Whatever," she said crossly.

"You think you're cross?" the dots demanded. "You're

positively sweet, compared to me: I'm as angry as anything

gets."

She peered at the dots. "Just exactly what are you, BB

brain?"

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file:///F|/rah/Piers%20Anthony/Anthony,%20Piers%20-%20Xanth%2019%20-%20R\oc%20and%20a%20Hard%20Place.txtviCONTENTS11.CHENA...12.SCRAMBLE.......13.MPD..............14.PROSECUTION....15.DEFENSE..........16.VERDICT..........AUTHOR'SNOTE,.205.232.252.275.297.316.3381PROBLEMItwasanicecastle,withhighturre...

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Anthony, Piers - Xanth 19 - A Roc and a Hard Place

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