Jack Handley - Deep Thoughts

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DEEP THOUGHTS

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DEEP THOUGHTS

BY JACK HANDEY

Get any book for free on: www.Abika.com

DEEP THOUGHTS

Get any book for free on: www.Abika.com

_________________________________________________________________

This should be the correct wording of Jack Handey's first collection

of _Deep Thoughts_. This is uncensored.

_________________________________________________________________

1. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at

that man.

2. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go limp, because maybe

you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because,

hey, free dummy.

3. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell

him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another

cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

4. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no

choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

5. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them

down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

6. Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks

his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

7. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've

wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time

I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

8. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high

notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

9. Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the

lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a

shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything

they see.

10. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks."

Marta said it should read "Watch For _Pretty_ Rocks." I told her

she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but

she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a

DEEP THOUGHTS

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simple letter ! And I thought I was lazy !

11. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it

that was very pleasureable -- until I realized it wasn't a

nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

12. Once, when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a

mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to

tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's

not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He

started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and

all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept

going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting

long." But then, the story was over and I said to myself: "You

know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the

story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a

little long though

13. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is

to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see,

we _build_ to that.

14. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful

flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's

carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're

drunk.

15. I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We

called him Uncle Cave Man because sometimes he'd eat one of us.

Later on we found out he was a bear.

16. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto

someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I

have to laugh, because what _is_ that thing ?!

17. In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination

should automatically disqualify you.

18. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and

then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right

away.

19. If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of

danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes,

Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

DEEP THOUGHTS

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20. The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength

to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind

it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I

think there were some tree there. The smell of something was

strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I

remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff,

or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never

leave you.

21. Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.

22. I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came

to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

23. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so

much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he

kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the

preacher said "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy

shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting

for you in heaven - with a gun."

24. When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed

it. Probably they gathered together one evening, slapped each

other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

25. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your

friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to

pretend you were swimming.

26. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to

calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the

doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you

know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife

in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I

usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

27. I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning

and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his.

Then he's spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no

matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a

winner !" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some

growing up to do.

28. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of

the face.

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Jack Handley - Deep Thoughts

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