Bisson, Terry - Tell Them They Are All Full of Shit and They Should Fuck Off

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2024-11-25 0 0 11.99KB 6 页 5.9玖币
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(From CRANK, Fall 1995)
TELL THEM THEY ARE ALL FULL OF SHIT AND THEY SHOULD FUCK OFF
by Terry Bisson
"Mr. President, you might want to take this. It's that NASA fellow you metlast month at the Kennedy
Center reception."
"Good. What's his name, Palaver? Put him through. Hello? This is thePresident speaking."
"Tell them they are all full of shit and they should fuck off."
"What? Hello?"
"This is Dr. Salavard, Mr. President. From NASA; the SETI project? Remember,we met at the
Kennedy Center affair, and you gave me this number, and you saidI was to call you directly, first thing,
when we got some results, and not towait until the entire scientific community had been ..."
"Yes, yes, I remember, Dr. Salavard. So what do you have for me?"
"We have a signal, sir. What we call a specific. Nothing absolutely positiveyet, but--"
"Do you mean an extraterrestrial communication of some sort?"
"It would seem that way, sir."
"Seem? Can you tell me something definite?
"Tell them they are all full of shit and they should fuck off."
"What makes you so sure it's from an intelligent source?"
"The pattern, Mr. President. The signal we are receiving is not a cyclingrepetition but a series of super
low frequency wave spikes in a numericalpattern known as an ascending logarithm. An almost certain
sign ofintelliigence and intentionality. We're pretty sure it's a communication."
"Sure enough to describe it to my Cabinet tomorrow morning, plus a few selectguests from the Hill?"
"Tell them they are all full of shit and they should fuck off."
"You can do it by satellite phone-link. We're having a pre-breakfast meetinghere at the White House. My
staff will ring you in at eight a.m. sharp. Ihope I don't need to tell you not to breathe a word of this to
anybody."
* * *
"Gentlemen, ladies, we have a surprise guest on the line by satellite--Dr.Bruno Salavard, who is in charge
of NASA's new SETI project. You wouldn't besitting here if you didn't know what SETI was all about,
or the importance Iattach to this endeavor. Dr. Salavard, go ahead and tell them what you toldme."
"Tell them they are all full of shit and they should fuck off."
"Now, we have time for a few questions. You can ask Dr. Salavard directly,since we're hooked up to a
speaker phone. Senator?"
"Dr. Salavard, what makes you so certain this is a signal from anextraterrestrial intelligence? Couldn't it
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