Esther M. Friesner - Why I want to come to Brewer College

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ESTHER FRIESNER

WHY I WANT TO COME TO BREWER COLLEGE

NOBLE SIRS OF THE BREWER College Office of Admissions, permit this humble

person to introduce oneself. My name, for this purpose, shall be Fred

Schenectady, for I have heard it told once, at a lecture on this very campus

by a notable author of fabulous tales, that a thing is called Fred because we

have to call it something and that writers get their ideas from Schenectady

because they have to get them from somewhere.

This sums up my situation, for in truth I am something from somewhere. Indeed,

since coming to these shores I have found that upon first encounter I am often

greeted with: "What in hell are you and where the devil did you come from?"

Those who do not make these somewhat profane exclamations are few and far

between, but I am proud to say that they have included your own august

President of the College, Mr. Ferragus Franklin, and his lissome and beauteous

underling, the Dean of the College, Miss Cecilia Hansen. How far under

President Franklin one may generally find Dean Hansen is, according to faculty

gossip, a matter of record closely linked to those times when the honorable

Mrs. Franklin is out of town or ginned to the gills.

I disapprove of such gossip, for I find it low and insulting, particularly to

those of us who, like my unworthy self, have gills.

Pray do not imagine that I make mention of this physical attribute in an

attempt to procure special favor regarding my application for admission to

your esteemed institute of higher learning. I admit that my appearance is

singular when compared to that of the majority of your student body, but I

assure you that I am in no way remarkable among those of my own kind. True, my

skin is of a more luminous green than many of my breed, and the turtle shell

which conceals the softer portions of my anatomy retains a high gloss in spite

of the long hours I spend immersed in the great pond which abuts the Brewer

College croquet fields, but such observations are the stuff of vanity. I will

mention them no more. As for that saucer-shaped depression upon the crown of

my head in which I bear a modest portion of life-giving water whenever I

venture forth onto the land, it is of neither greater nor lesser size than the

average among my people.

By now I fear that you may have grown impatient with me, for I have dallied

somewhat beside the point of the required Office of Admissions essay, namely:

Tell us in your own words about a life-changing episode from your past and

explain how this relates to your desire to attend Brewer College. If I have

delayed reaching the meat of this essay, I ask your pardon. I do not eat meat,

though blood is another matter, and the heartsblood of this exercise cannot

flow properly without some explanatory preamble. Surely none of the worthy

applicants for admission to this venerable institution has ever willfully

deceived your perspicacious minds by exaggeration, distortion, or other forms

of falsification! I refuse to be the first.

So, the meat:

If memory serves me, my life has been neither especially long nor eventful. I

am not old as my kin reckon age, having first seen the watery light of day

from beneath the surface of a small river near Kyoto, during the first days of

the Tokugawa Shogunate. By your Western calendars this would be sometime in

the early seventeenth century.

My formative decades were unremarkable, filled with the usual round of

seasons, festivals, and opportunities for luring unwary travelers and

livestock into the river so that I might pull them beneath the waters and

drain them of blood at my leisure. Blood was not my only means of sustenance.

Like most of my clan, I developed a taste for wild cucumbers. Wise men who

sought passage across my river always came prepared with an offering of these

succulent vegetables wherewith to purchase my indulgence and a safe conduct.

(Indeed, in my native land men call us by the same word which they apply to

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Esther M. Friesner - Why I want to come to Brewer College

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