
history, our ancestors lived in tribes. Becoming separated from the tribe—or worse, being cast out—was a
death sentence.”
E) Understanding the truth of a situation is important, but so is remaining part of a tribe. While these two desires
often work well together, they occasionally come into confl ict. In many circumstances, social connection is
actually more helpful to your daily life than understanding the truth of a particular fact or idea. The Harvard
psychologist Steven Pinker put it this way, “People are embraced or condemned according to their beliefs,
so one function of the mind may be to hold beliefs that bring the belief-holder the greatest number of allies,
protectors, or disciples (信徒), rather than beliefs that are most likely to be true.”
F) We don’t always believe things because they are correct. Sometimes we believe things because they make
us look good to the people we care about. I thought Kevin Simler put it well when he wrote, “If a brain
anticipates that it will be rewarded for adopting a particular belief, it’s perfectly happy to do so, and doesn’t
much care where the reward comes from—whether it’s pragmatic (实用主义的) (better outcomes resulting
from better decisions), social (better treatment from one’s peers), or some mix of the two.”
G) False beliefs can be useful in a social sense even if they are not useful in a factual sense. For lack of a better
phrase, we might call this approach “factually false, but socially accurate.” When we have to choose between
the two, people often select friends and family over facts. This insight not only explains why we might hold
our tongue at a dinner party or look the other way when our parents say something off ensive, but also reveals
a better way to change the minds of others.
H) Convincing someone to change their mind is really the process of convincing them to change their tribe. If
they abandon their beliefs, they run the risk of losing social ties. You can’t expect someone to change their
mind if you take away their community too. You have to give them somewhere to go. Nobody wants their
worldview torn apart if loneliness is the outcome.
I) The way to change people’s minds is to become friends with them, to integrate them into your tribe, to bring
them into your circle. Now, they can change their beliefs without the risk of being abandoned socially.
J) Perhaps it is not diff erence, but distance, that breeds tribalism and hostility. As proximity increases, so does
understanding. I am reminded of Abraham Lincoln’s quote, “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him
better.”
K) Facts don’t change our minds. Friendship does. Years ago, Ben Casnocha mentioned an idea to me that I
haven’t been able to shake: The people who are most likely to change our minds are the ones we agree with
on 98 percent of topics. If someone you know, like, and trust believes a radical idea, you are more likely to
give it merit, weight, or consideration. You already agree with them in most areas of life. Maybe you should
change your mind on this one too. But if someone wildly diff erent than you proposes the same radical idea,
well, it’s easy to dismiss them as nuts.
L) One way to visualize this distinction is by mapping beliefs on a spectrum. If you divide this spectrum into 10
units and you fi nd yourself at Position 7, then there is little sense in trying to convince someone at Position 1.
The gap is too wide. When you’re at Position 7, your time is better spent connecting with people who are at
Positions 6 and 8, gradually pulling them in your direction.
M) The most heated arguments often occur between people on opposite ends of the spectrum, but the most
frequent learning occurs from people who are nearby. The closer you are to someone, the more likely it
becomes that the one or two beliefs you don’t share will bleed over into your own mind and shape your
thinking. The further away an idea is from your current position, the more likely you are to reject it outright.