THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS--AN IMPROBABLE COMEDY(契维尔斯夫人的主人)

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THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS--AN IMPROBABLE COMEDY

THE MASTER OF MRS.

CHILVERS--AN

IMPROBABLE COMEDY

by Jerome K. Jerome

THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS--AN IMPROBABLE COMEDY

HARACTERS IN THE PLAY

GEOFFREY CHILVERS, M.P. [President Men's League for the

Extension of the Franchise to Women] A loving husband, and (would-be)

affectionate father. Like many other good men, he is in sympathy with

the Woman's Movement: "not thinking it is coming in his time."

ANNYS CHILVERS [nee Mogton, Hon. Sec. Women's Parliamentary

Franchise League] A loving wife, and (would-be) affection mother.

Many thousands of years have gone to her making. A generation ago,

she would have been the ideal woman: the ideal helpmeet. But new

ideas are stirring in her blood, a new ideal of womanhood is forcing itself

upon her.

LADY MOGTON [President W.P.F.L.] She knows she would be of

more use in Parliament than many of the men who are there; is naturally

annoyed at the Law's stupidity in keeping her out.

PHOEBE MOGTON [Org. Sec. W.P.F.L.] The new girl, thinking

more of politics than of boys. But that will probably pass.

JANET BLAKE [Jt. Org. Sec. W.P.F.L.] She dreams of a new heaven

and a new earth when woman has the vote.

MRS. MOUNTCALM VILLIERS [Vice-President W.P.F.L.] She

was getting tired of flirting. The Woman's Movement has arrived just at

the right moment.

ELIZABETH SPENDER [Hons. Treas. W.P.F.L.] She sees woman

everywhere the slave of man: now pampered, now beaten, but ever the

slave. She can see no hope of freedom but through warfare.

MRS. CHINN A mother.

JAWBONES A bill-poster. Movements that do not fit in with the

essentials of life on thirty shillings a week have no message so far as

Jawbones is concerned.

GINGER Whose proper name is Rose Merton, and who has to

reconcile herself to the fact that so far as her class is concerned the

THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS--AN IMPROBABLE COMEDY

primaeval laws still run.

DORIAN ST. HERBERT [Hon. Sec. M.L.E.F.W.] He is interested in

all things, the Woman's Movement included.

BEN LAMB, M.P. As a student of woman, he admits to being in the

infants' class.

SIGSBY An Election Agent. He thinks the modern woman suffers

from over-indulgence. He would recommend to her the teachings of St.

Paul.

HAKE A butler. He does not see how to avoid his wife being

practically a domestic servant without wages.

A DEPUTATION It consists of two men and three women.

Superior people would call them Cranks. But Cranks have been of some

service to the world, and the use of superior people is still to be

discovered.

THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS--AN IMPROBABLE COMEDY

THE FIRST ACT

SCENE:- Drawing-room, 91, Russell Square.

TIME:- Afternoon.

[MRS. ELIZABETH SPENDER sits near the fire, reading a book.

She is a tall, thin woman, with passionate eyes, set in an oval face of olive

complexion; the features are regular and severe; her massive dark hair is

almost primly arranged. She wears a tailor-made costume, surmounted

by a plain black hat. The door opens and PHOEBE enters, shown in by

HAKE, the butler, a thin, ascetic- looking man of about thirty, with

prematurely grey hair. PHOEBE MOGTON is of the Fluffy Ruffles type,

petite, with a retrousse nose, remarkably bright eyes, and a quantity of

fluffy light hair, somewhat untidily arranged. She is fashionably dressed

in the fussy, flyaway style. ELIZABETH looks up; the two young

women shake hands.]

PHOEBE Good woman. 'Tisn't three o'clock yet, is it?

ELIZABETH About five minutes to.

PHOEBE Annys is on her way. I just caught her in time. [To

HAKE.] Put a table and six chairs. Give mamma a hammer and a

cushion at her back.

HAKE A hammer, miss?

PHOEBE A chairman's hammer. Haven't you got one?

HAKE I'm afraid not, miss. Would a gravy spoon do?

PHOEBE [To ELIZABETH, after expression of disgust.] Fancy a

house without a chairman's hammer! [To HAKE.] See that there's

something. Did your wife go to the meeting last night?

HAKE [He is arranging furniture according to instructions.] I'm not

quite sure, miss. I gave her the evening out.

PHOEBE "Gave her the evening out"!

ELIZABETH We are speaking of your wife, man, not your servant.

THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS--AN IMPROBABLE COMEDY

HAKE Yes, miss. You see, we don't keep servants in our class.

Somebody's got to put the children to bed.

ELIZABETH Why not the man--occasionally?

HAKE Well, you see, miss, in my case, I rarely getting home much

before midnight, it would make it so late. Yesterday being my night off,

things fitted in, so to speak. Will there be any writing, miss?

PHOEBE Yes. See that there's plenty of blotting-paper. [To

ELIZABETH.] Mamma always splashes so.

HAKE Yes, miss. [He goes out.]

ELIZABETH Did you ever hear anything more delightfully naive?

He "gave" her the evening out. That's how they think of us--as their

servants. The gentleman hasn't the courage to be straightforward about it.

The butler blurts out the truth. Why are we meeting here instead of at

our own place?

PHOEBE For secrecy, I expect. Too many gasbags always about

the office. I fancy--I'm not quite sure--that mamma's got a new idea.

ELIZABETH Leading to Holloway?

PHOEBE Well, most roads lead there.

ELIZABETH And end there--so far as I can see.

PHOEBE You're too impatient.

ELIZABETH It's what our friends have been telling us--for the last

fifty years.

PHOEBE Look here, if it was only the usual sort of thing mamma

wouldn't want it kept secret. I'm inclined to think it's a new departure

altogether.

[The door opens. There enters JANET BLAKE, followed by HAKE,

who proceeds with his work. JANET BLAKE is a slight, fragile-looking

creature, her great dark eyes--the eyes of a fanatic--emphasise the pallor of

her childish face. She is shabbily dressed; a plain, uninteresting girl until

she smiles, and then her face becomes quite beautiful. PHOEBE darts to

meet her.] Good girl. Was afraid--I say, you're wet through.

JANET It was only a shower. The 'buses were all full. I had to

ride outside.

THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS--AN IMPROBABLE COMEDY

PHOEBE Silly kid, why didn't you take a cab?

JANET I've been reckoning it up. I've been half over London

chasing Mrs. Mountcalm-Villiers. Cabs would have come, at the very

least, to twelve-and-six.

PHOEBE Well -

JANET [To ELIZABETH.] Well--I want you to put me down as a

contributor for twelve-and-six. [She smiles.] It's the only way I can

give.

PHOEBE [She is taking off JANET'S cloak; throws it to HAKE.]

Have this put somewhere to dry. [She pushes JANET to the fire.] Get

near the fire. You're as cold as ice.

ELIZABETH All the seats inside, I suppose, occupied by the

chivalrous sex.

JANET Oh, there was one young fellow offered to give me up his

place, but I wouldn't let him. You see, we're claiming equality. [Smiles.]

ELIZABETH And are being granted it--in every direction where it

works to the convenience of man.

PHOEBE [Laughs.] Is she coming--the Villiers woman?

JANET Yes. I ran her down at last--at her dress-maker's. She

made an awful fuss about it, but I wouldn't leave till she'd promised. Tell

me, it's something quite important, isn't it?

PHOEBE I don't know anything, except that I had an urgent

telegram from mamma this morning to call a meeting of the entire Council

here at three o'clock. She's coming up from Manchester on purpose. [To

HAKE.] Mrs. Chilvers hasn't returned yet, has she?

HAKE Not yet, miss. Shall I telephone -

PHOEBE [Shakes her head.] No; it's all right. I have seen her.

Let her know we are here the moment she comes in.

HAKE Yes, miss. [He has finished the arrangements. The table

has been placed in the centre of the room, six chairs round it, one of them

being a large armchair. He has placed writing materials and a large silver

gravy spoon. He is going.]

PHOEBE Why aren't you sure your wife wasn't at the meeting last

THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS--AN IMPROBABLE COMEDY

night? Didn't she say anything?

HAKE Well, miss, unfortunately, just as she was starting, Mrs.

Comerford--that's the wife of the party that keeps the shop downstairs--

looked in with an order for the theatre.

PHOEBE Oh!

HAKE So I thought it best to ask no questions.

PHOEBE Thank you.

HAKE Thank you, miss. [He goes out.]

ELIZABETH Can nothing be done to rouse the working-class

woman out of her apathy?

PHOEBE Well, if you ask me, I think a good deal has been done.

ELIZABETH Oh, what's the use of our deceiving ourselves? The

great mass are utterly indifferent.

JANET [She is seated in an easy-chair near the fire.] I was talking

to a woman only yesterday--in Bethnal Green. She keeps a husband and

three children by taking in washing. "Lord, miss," she laughed, "what

would we do with the vote if we did have it? Only one thing more to

give to the men."

PHOEBE That's rather good.

ELIZABETH The curse of it is that it's true. Why should they put

themselves out merely that one man instead of another should dictate their

laws to them?

PHOEBE My dear girl, precisely the same argument was used

against the Second Reform Bill. What earthly difference could it make to

the working men whether Tory Squire or Liberal capitalist ruled over them?

That was in 1868. To-day, fifty-four Labour Members sit in Parliament.

At the next election they will hold the balance.

ELIZABETH Ah, if we could only hold out THAT sort of hope to

them!

[ANNYS enters. She is in outdoor costume. She kisses PHOEBE,

shakes hands with the other two. ANNYS's age is about twenty-five. She

is a beautiful, spiritual-looking creature, tall and graceful, with a manner

that is at the same time appealing and commanding. Her voice is soft and

THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS--AN IMPROBABLE COMEDY

caressing, but capable of expressing all the emotions. Her likeness to her

younger sister PHOEBE is of the slightest: the colouring is the same,

and the eyes that can flash, but there the similarity ends. She is simply

but well dressed. Her soft hair makes a quiet but wonderfully effective

frame to her face.]

ANNYS [She is taking off her outdoor things.] Hope I'm not late. I

had to look in at Caxton House. Why are we holding it here?

PHOEBE Mamma's instructions. Can't tell you anything more

except that I gather the matter's important, and is to be kept secret.

ANNYS Mamma isn't here, is she?

PHOEBE [Shakes her head.] Reaches St. Pancras at two-forty.

[Looks at her watch.] Train's late, I expect.

[HAKE has entered.]

ANNYS [She hands HAKE her hat and coat.] Have something

ready in case Lady Mogton hasn't lunched. Is your master in?

HAKE A messenger came for him soon after you left, ma'am. I

was to tell you he would most likely be dining at the House.

ANNYS Thank you.

[HAKE goes out.]

ANNYS [To ELIZABETH.] I so want you to meet Geoffrey.

He'll alter your opinion of men.

ELIZABETH My opinion of men has been altered once or twice--

each time for the worse.

ANNYS Why do you dislike men?

ELIZABETH [With a short laugh.] Why does the slave dislike the

slave-owner?

PHOEBE Oh, come off the perch. You spend five thousand a year

provided for you by a husband that you only see on Sundays. We'd all be

slaves at that price.

ELIZABETH The chains have always been stretched for the few.

My sympathies are with my class.

ANNYS But men like Geoffrey--men who are devoting their whole

time and energy to furthering our cause; what can you have to say against

THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS--AN IMPROBABLE COMEDY

them?

ELIZABETH Simply that they don't know what they're doing. The

French Revolution was nursed in the salons of the French nobility. When

the true meaning of the woman's movement is understood we shall have to

get on without the male sympathiser.

[A pause.]

ANNYS What do you understand is the true meaning of the woman's

movement?

ELIZABETH The dragging down of man from his position of

supremacy. What else can it mean?

ANNYS Something much better. The lifting up of woman to be his

partner.

ELIZABETH My dear Annys, the men who to-day are advocating

votes for women are doing so in the hope of securing obedient supporters

for their own political schemes. In New Zealand the working man brings

his female relations in a van to the poll, and sees to it that they vote in

accordance with his orders. When man once grasps the fact that woman

is not going to be his henchman, but his rival, men and women will face

one another as enemies.

[The door opens. HAKE announces LADY MOGTON and

DORIAN ST. HERBERT. LADY MOGTON is a large, strong-featured

woman, with a naturally loud voice. She is dressed with studied

carelessness. DORIAN ST. HERBERT, K.C., is a tall, thin man, about

thirty. He is elegantly, almost dandily dressed.]

ANNYS [Kissing her mother.] Have you had lunch?

LADY MOGTON In the train.

PHOEBE [Who has also kissed her mother and shaken hands with

ST. HERBERT.] We are all here except Villiers. She's coming. Did

you have a good meeting?

LADY MOGTON Fairly. Some young fool had chained himself to

a pillar and thrown the key out of window.

PHOEBE What did you do?

LADY MOGTON Tied a sack over his head and left him there.

THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS--AN IMPROBABLE COMEDY

[She turns aside for a moment to talk to ST. HERBERT, who has taken

some papers from his despatch-box.]

ANNYS [To ELIZABETH.] We must finish out our talk some

other time. You are quite wrong.

ELIZABETH Perhaps.

LADY MOGTON We had better begin. I have only got half an

hour.

JANET I saw Mrs. Villiers. She promised she'd come.

LADY MOGTON You should have told her we were going to be

photographed. Then she'd have been punctual. [She has taken her seat

at the table. ST. HERBERT at her right.] Better put another chair in

case she does turn up.

JANET [Does so.] Shall I take any notes?

LADY MOGTON No. [To ANNYS.] Give instructions that we

are not to be interrupted for anything. [ANNYS rings bell.]

ST. HERBERT [He turns to PHOEBE, on his right.] Have you

heard the latest?

There was an old man of Hong Kong, Whose language was terribly

strong.

[Enter HAKE. He brings a bottle and glass, which he places.]

ANNYS Oh, Hake, please, don't let us be interrupted for anything. If

Mrs. Mountcalm-Villiers comes, show her up. But nobody else.

HAKE Yes, ma'am.

ST. HERBERT [Continuing.]

It wasn't the words That frightened the birds, 'Twas the 'orrible double-

entendre.

LADY MOGTON [Who has sat waiting in grim silence.] Have you

finished?

ST. HERBERT Quite finished.

LADY MOGTON Thank you. [She raps for silence.] You will

understand, please, all, that this is a private meeting of the Council.

Nothing that transpires is to be allowed to leak out. [There is a murmur.]

Silence, please, for Mr. St. Herbert.

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THEMASTEROFMRS.CHILVERS--ANIMPROBABLECOMEDY1THEMASTEROFMRS.CHILVERS--ANIMPROBABLECOMEDYbyJeromeK.JeromeTHEMASTEROFMRS.CHILVERS--ANIMPROBABLECOMEDY2HARACTERSINTHEPLAYGEOFFREYCHILVERS,M.P.[PresidentMen'sLeaguefortheExtensionoftheFranchisetoWomen]Alovinghusband,and(would-be)affectionatefather.Likemanyo...

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