Craig Shaw Gardner - Ebenezum 2 - A Multitude of Monsters

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A Multitude of Monsters
Book 2 of the Ebenezium
Craig Shaw Gardner
CONTENTS
ONE.6
TWO..11
THREE.18
FOUR..25
FIVE.30
SIX..38
SEVEN..44
EIGHT.54
NINE.63
TEN..72
ELEVEN..82
TWELVE.89
THIRTEEN..96
FOURTEEN..103
FIFTEEN..109
SIXTEEN..117
THE MAGE THINKS SOME SAGE THOUGHTS
There is talk in some learned circles of our major cities about whether or not satyrs, centaurs, grif-fins
and certain other fantastic beasts really exist, or are only the product of the popular imagina-tion. As a
wizard, I, of course, tend to side with the satyrs, centaurs, and griffins, especially when these beasts begin
to doubt the existence of any learned circles in our major cities.
—fromthe teachings of ebenezum, Volume XXXVI
“A delight for all fans of funny fantasy!”
—Will Shetterly, author ofCats Have No Lord
“Devastating send-ups of all the stock props . . . dragons and damsels in distress, eternal cham-pions,
swords and sausage, unicorns, virgins and other improbable critters.”
—Marvin Kaye, author ofThe Amorous Umbrella
Ace Fantasy books by Craig Shaw Gardner
A MALADYOF MAGICKS
A MULTITUDEOF MONSTERS
A
ACE FANTASY BOOKS NEW YORK
This book is an Ace Fantasy original edition, and has never been previously published.
A MULTITUDE OF MONSTERS
An Ace Fantasy Book/published by arrangement with the author
PRINTING HISTORY
Ace Fantasy edition / September 1986
All rights reserved.
Copyright © 1986 by Craig Shaw Gardner.
Cover art by Walter Velez.
This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part,
by mimeograph or any other means, without permission.
For information address: The Berkley Publishing Group,
200 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10016.
ISBN: 0-441-54523-8
Ace Fantasy Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group,
200 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10016.
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
This one’s for Merrilee, also without whom…
ONE
When traveling, the sages say, one must always be prepared to accept local customs. Yet there are
areas of this very kingdom where one might find it customary to tax a wizard into poverty; to insist a
wizard should not be paid, for magic exists only for the common good; or even to tar and feather a
wizard unsuccessful at his task. Contrary to the sages, when one is traveling in these areas, one should be
prepared to avoid local customs alto-gether.
— THE TEACHINGS OF EBENEZUM,
VOLUME VI
I had walked through dark forests before, but never one as dark as this. The massive trees we passed
between rose high above our heads, their branches meeting hun-dreds of feet in the air to weave a green
blanket above us. They let so little light to the forest floor that half the day we seemed to march through
evening, and the rest of the day was blackest night.
I had walked through treacherous undergrowth before, but none more treacherous than this. Despite the
fact that little light seeped through the leaves above, the ground about our feet was littered with bushes,
low things with pale leaves that looked as if they thrived on darkness rather than light. The leaves held
sharp edges as well, and hid sharper brambles beneath that would stick to your leggings, and draw blood
if you touched them.
I had walked through chill climates before, but none where the cold seeped right through muscle and
bone the way it did here. Not only did the leaves above banish sunlight, but also any memory of warmth
that the sun might bring. I felt that the blood on my bramble-sore fingers might freeze if the temperature
were to descend the slightest degree.
My master, the wizard Ebenezum, once the greatest mage in all the Western Kingdoms, turned to regard
the rest of our procession. He stretched his arms out beyond the sleeves of his wizardly robes, black silk
tastefully in-laid with silver moons and stars, a bit soiled and torn from the rigors of our trip, perhaps, but
still the sign of a serious sorcerer. He yawned and scratched at his full white beard.
“Oh, what a bracing morning,” the wizard re-marked.
“Doom!” a voice called behind me. Without turning, I could tell it was the warrior Hendrek, his grip tight
about the sack that held his doomed warclub, Head-basher. Hendrek, it appeared, felt much the same as
I.
“Yztwwrfj!” added yet another voice, this one belonging to the demon Snarks, so deeply clothed in layer
upon layer of robe that anything he said was com-pletely indecipherable. Still, did I sense disquiet in the
tone of his voice?
“Oh, come now.” The wizard stroked his mustachecontemplatively. “ ‘Tis not as bad as all that. We
have not had to deal with a demon attack for well over two days. We are making good time through this
forest; in a few more days we shall reach the Inland Sea. And on the other side of that sea lies Vushta!”
Vushta? I must admit, even in that gloomy forest, the name alone cheered my spirits. Vushta, city of a
thou-sand forbidden delights, a place where, were he not the soul of caution, a man might go mad with
myriad de-sires. Vushta, where a young lad such as myself had to be doubly careful, lest he be dragged
unwillingly to one of the city’s fabled pleasure palaces, and there forced, no matter how he might
protest—
An explosion disturbed my thoughts.
“Eh?” the wizard remarked. “Well, perhaps I was mistaken.”
“Doom!” Hendrek repeated. The large warrior stepped to my side. His whole body quivered with
an-ticipation; a fearsome sight to see, for he was almost as wide as he was tall. His hand clutched
convulsively at the bag that contained his enchanted weapon. “We are in the presence of some dread
magic!’’
I glanced up, wondering if I should correct him. I knew, for the moment at least, that Hendrek was
wrong. There was no great magic here yet. My master had not sneezed.
As I have said, Ebenezum was once the greatest wizard in all the Western Kingdoms. And really, he
was still a mage without peer, save for one problem. A few scant months ago, due to a small error on his
part, the wizard found himself fighting for his life with Guxx Unfufadoo, one of the most powerful demons
the Netherhells has ever seen. Ebenezum defeated the demon, and banished it to the Netherhells once
again, but his battle was not without its cost. From that day forward,should he even be in the presence of
magic, the wizard would begin to sneeze violently and uncontrollably.
Now, a malady of this sort might defeat many a lesser wizard. But not Ebenezum! He continued to ply
his trade, using his affliction to sniff out sorcery wherever it might lurk, while at the same time seeking a
cure among his learned tomes. At last, however, even a wizard as great as Ebenezum had to admit he
could not cure his malady alone. He would have to seek outside assistance, even though he might have to
travel to far and fabled Vushta, city of a thousand forbidden delights, before he might find another wizard
with skill sufficient for this enormous task.
So to Vushta we journeyed. And as we journeyed we encountered demons and dragons, giants and
ghosts, trolls and enchanted chickens! There was sorcery everywhere we turned. Far too much sorcery.
It was when we were staying in a hermit’s very large and palatial hovel that we learned the truth; only as
we were attacked again by Guxx Unfufadoo, the very demon that caused my master’s malady! The
Netherhells, not content with an occasional bit of demonic in-tervention, had mounted a campaign to take
over the surface world as well and turn it into an extension of their foul domain!
Ebenezum and I, with the help of many others, man-aged to win that first battle. But we knew it was
only the beginning of the war. Now, it was even more imperative that we reach Vushta and its College of
Wizards. The future of the whole world was at stake!
Since then, we had redoubled our endeavors to com-plete our journey, aided by our two companions,
Snarks and Hendrek. But even in our daily travels, we had to observe extreme caution. Besides an
occasional attackby human assassins, hired by a ruler Ebenezum had managed to slightly offend some
time ago, we were con-stantly being set upon by demons and demonic magic, and ‘twas only through our
combined efforts that we managed to survive.
There was another explosion, much closer this time. The earth shook at our feet.
“Doom!” the large warrior repeated. “The demons attack again!”
“No, no, good Hendrek,” my master corrected. “‘Tis not demons, yet. As least not in any force. My
nose would not be able to withstand such an assault.”
The wizard stepped hastily back, drawing up his robes to cover his lower face. With the third explosion,
Hen-drek had drawn Headbasher from its protective sack.
“Doom!” Hendrek swung the warclub above his head so quickly that the air screamed with its passing.
Headbasher was an enchanted club, and when the large warrior held it in his hands, he became like a
man possessed. But Headbasher’s magic was a curse as well, for Hendrek had obtained the club from
the demon Brax, who neglected to inform the warrior as to the ex-act terms of sale. To his everlasting
horror, Hendrek soon learned that Headbasher was a club no man could own, but could only rent!
Snarks had pulled his sickly green demonic head free of his concealing robes. He stood next to
Hendrek, star-ing at the site of the last explosion.
“The wizard is right,” Snarks hissed. “No demon has done this. It is something far worse!”
There was an explosion by Snarks’s right foot. The demon screamed.
“Oh, excuse me!” a small voice exclaimed. “Pardon, pardon, pardon!” A very diminutive fellow dressed
allin brown stood in our midst. He brushed distractedly at his sleeves. “I don’t quite have that trick down
yet. I’m very close, though!”
Hendrek squinted in the newcomer’s direction. “ ‘Tis some kind of Fairy....”
“What!” The little man glared at the large warrior. “I am nothing of the kind! The very idea!” He took a
deep breath, drawing himself up to his full height (just under a foot and a half). “Gentlemen, I am a
Brownie!”
“Brownie?” Snarks murmured. The look of distaste on his countenance turned to one of pure horror.
“Brownie?”
Hendrek smiled at the Brownie. “Well, little man, ‘twas a natural mistake. You know how everyone
talks about Fairies and Brownies.”
“Fairies and Brownies! Fairies and Brownies!” The little man stamped his feet in indignation. “It’s never
Brownies and Fairies, no, no, no, never the other way around! Well, we Brownies have had enough!
We’re not going to take it anymore!”
“Indeed,” Ebenezum said behind the folds of his robe. “Would it be impolite to ask just what you were
not going to take?”
The little fellow shook his head sadly. “ ‘Tis a longstanding truth that Brownies have always been taken
for granted. Well, it’s partially our fault, I’ll be the first to admit that. My ancestors did a lot of hiding
from you big folks, and it’s always been the Brownie Way to get most of our work done after dark.
Well, believe me, the days of the invisible Brownies are over! From now on, when we do good deeds,
you’ll darn well see them. Up with Brownies!”
Snarks shuddered, clearly appalled by the very thought. I studied our green companion with some conc
ern. With his thorough knowledge of the Netherhells, Snarks had been of invaluable assistance in our
battles with demonic forces. Could he perhaps sense something sinister in this small man’s speech?
In a whisper, I asked the demon what was wrong.
Snarks looked at me, misery in his eyes. If anything, his sickly green complexion was even more sickly
and more green than usual.
“You know,” he whispered hoarsely, “that I have been banished from the Netherhells, for, due to
demonic politicians scaring my mother while I was in in-fancy, I can speak nothing but the truth. And, for
the most part, I have come to accept my lot in life—forced to wander the surface world, the enemy of
my kin and kind, most of whom would kill me on sight. And still . . . and still. . .”
Snarks choked back a ragged sob. “It is just too much! I may have been driven from the Netherhells . . .
but I still have some standards. He’s so, so. . .” Snarks gagged. “So. . . CUTE!”
I looked back at the Brownie. I could see the demon’s point. There was something about that
foot-and-a-half high fellow, jumping up and down and saying positive things about Browniedom, that was
absolutely nau-seating.
“Where are the Fairies now, let me ask you that?” the little man was saying now. “You think they don’t
know about the plans that the Netherhells have for these parts? No, no, no, those Fairies know
everything about every demon that’s ever set foot in the realm! But do they do anything about it? No, not
the Fairies! They’re too frightened! They go into hiding! Well, now it’s the Brownies’ time. We’re not
going to go into hiding again. We’re going to wait right here, and show the demons and everybody that
the Brownies have come tostay! Fairies and Brownies, indeed!”
“Indeed,” Ebenezum replied. “Very commendable.”
“In fact,” the Brownie beamed, “that’s the reason I’ve come. There was this young lady I just met, back
in the forest a bit, who had a very important message for you!”
“Young lady?” I asked.
“Yes, yes, her name began with anN Ithink. Well, anN or anM .” The Brownie shook his head. “There’s
something to be said for that mode of transportation. It’s certainly good if you’re in a hurry, but I must
say those explosions shake one up a bit.”
“AnN?” I queried. “Was the woman’s name Norei?” Could it be true? Was my true love trying to find
us? Perhaps, dare I hope, she could not exist another minute without me?
“It might have been anS . Excuse me. It’s this ringing in my ears, you know. But it’s one of those for
sure, either anM or anN, or possibly anS . It’s got to be one of those, I’m quite certain of that.”
Couldn’t this Brownie be more specific? It had to be Norei! Didn’t it? Perhaps, I thought, the message
she had for us would give me some clue.
“What did she have to say?” I demanded. “Did she mention Ebenezum?” For a second, my voice caught
in my throat. “Did she say anything about. . . Wuntvor?”
“Well, she may have used one of those names. Yes, I think she did. Now, whatdid her name start
with?’’
“I see.” This was obviously all too much for my master. He strode forward, his great, bushy eyebrows
knitted with concern. I must admit, I was relieved to see the wizard take a truly active role in this
interrogation. His sorcerous wiles could get to the bottom of anything. Magic or no magic, he’d get an
answer from this forest spirit.
“What did the young woman tell you?” He sneezed briefly, then turned away to blow his nose.
“Well, let’s see,” the Brownie said. “You know, I can’t tell you just now. It’s that name thing. Funny
how something small like that can just get in your way, but when I get bothered like that—was it anM ?”
The wizard stepped forward to try again. “Can you find out what the young woman told you?” He
sneezed twice this time.
“Well, I could go back and ask her her name. I bet it’ll all come back to me then. You’ve got to give me
a chance here. Us Brownies are going to take a more ac-tive role in this world than ever before. We’re
really set on doing that. But, we’re a little new at it. You’ve got to give us a little time to grow. I promise I
won’t let you down. This is our Brownie Pledge: We’ll keep on doing it until we get it right.”
Ebenezum managed only one word before the sneez-ing fit took him: “Go!”
“Oh. Pardon me. Yes, I guess I’d better. Well, remember, Brownies do it better!”
He closed his eyes and stamped his feet.
Snarks yelped as the air exploded at his feet.
The Brownie smiled weakly. “Sorry. Still having a little trouble finding the range.” He frowned.
“What-ever that young woman had to say, I know it was impor-tant. What was it? Oh yes, a matter of
life and death. That’s what she said. Life and death. Or was it lifeor death?”
There was another explosion. This time, the Brownie was gone.
TWO
There are as many styles of magic as there are magicians. While much of magic is gaudy, noisy, and
easily appreciated by the masses, it goes without saying that some of the finest sorcery is also the most
subtle; small, delicate changes in the fabric of being that often can only be discerned by another wizard’s
practiced eye. Occasionally, even a wizard as learned as myself will experience a twinge of regret that I
have not yet conquered some of the most delicate aspects of my art; that, for example, I have not learned
the Eastern finger magic, where, by the turn of a knuckle, the mage may make the flowers sing. And
perhaps some day my fingers might learn that art, on the day they become tired from constantly carrying
about the large amounts of gold I receive for performing the more gaudy and noisy magic that pays so
well.
— THE TEACHINGS OF EBENEZUM,
VOLUME VII
“Norei!”
The word escaped my lips as the Brownie disap-peared. Norei! The greatest love of my life. How could
I describe her? Her face, her hair, her skin, the way she smiled? No, mere words could not do justice to
the way I felt about her. Norei! And if the Brownie could be trusted, she was coming to join me!
Some would say we were too young to be so in love. But appearances are often deceiving. I will admit
that there were times, in my earlier life, when I thought I was in love and it was not so. There was a
certain rich farmer’s daughter, and another girl, who, instead of re-maining with me, decided to pursue a
career in show business with a singing dragon, and, now that I think of it, perhaps five or six others. But
you must understand that it was only through meeting Norei that I discovered true, true love. Yes, it was
only through knowing Norei that I discovered that everything before was nothing more than youthful
infatuation.
Now, though, my life was different. I was a man of the world, on my way to Vushta, city of a thousand
for-bidden delights. Even a magician’s apprentice grows quickly on a journey such as this. When
traveling to Vushta, one had to be ready for anything.
“I do not trust the Brownie.”
I glanced up. The demon Snarks had moved to my side as I stood lost in thought. He had tossed back
his hood so that his whole green scaled head was exposed, horns and all. His large, well-fanged mouth
was turned downward into one of the most miserable-looking grim-aces I had ever seen.
“Why, friend Snarks,” I inquired, “what could a Brownie do that might cause us harm?”
“The very point!” the demon cried. His red eyes peered intently into my own. “Just what do Brownies
do? Very little, as far as I can tell. Oh, there’s this piffle about them fixing shoes in the middle of the night.
Sounds like a cheap way for shoemakers to gain some unwarranted sales! Enchanted Brownie shoes,
phfahh! I wouldn’t be surprised if the shoemakers and the Brownies were in this together! I tell you,
Brownies are just too quiet for their own good!” Snarks kicked a me-dium-sized rock out of the path
before us. The demon glowered with an intensity only possible for one raised in the Netherhells.
“Doom!” The great warrior Hendrek moved to my other side. “There was something about that
Brownie, then? Tis true, no one should look that cheerful with-out good reason.” Hendrek nervously
fingered the sack that held Headbasher. He glowered with an intensity only possible for one possessed
by an enchanted war-club.
I glanced back and forth between my two compan-ions. How they had changed in our two weeks of
travel-ing together! When first they met, I was afraid each would tear the other limb from limb. Hendrek
had gained his cursed warclub through demons, and thus had no great love of the species. And Snarks, in
his de-sire to tell all the truth all the time, seemed to take par-ticular delight in informing the very large
warrior as to the efficiency of certain diet and exercise programs. But Snarks had been indispensable in
his knowledge of de-monic strategy during our recent skirmishes with the Netherhells, and Hendrek was
no less useful with his flashing warclub, Headbasher. The two, at last, realized that they needed each
other. Now, while they were still not the best of friends, they did manage to speak occa-sionally, and I
no longer feared the imminent murder of one at the hands of the other.
There was a loud harummph from the path before us.
“If you wish to continue your private discussion,” the wizard remarked, “the least you might do is march
at the same time. We have much ground to cover before this half-light fails us.” Ebenezum glowered with
an in-tensity only possible for a great mage cut off from his art.
I realized then that my master was feeling the ardours of our journey as much as the rest of us. There
was ex-haustion in his voice, and creases about his beard that I hadn’t seen before. My master, the
wizard Ebenezum, seemed to handle the march, and the occasional battle that came with it, with such
aplomb that I sometimes forgot that he, too, could grow weary. He was unable to approach us any
closer, for, if the wizard should close upon Snarks without the demon’s protective hood, or if the mage
should be in the vicinity of Headbasher when the club was drawn from its sack, the great Ebenezum
would be totally lost to a sneezing attack. As I thought about it, I realized it could do him no good to be
further cut off from conversation with his fellows due to the severity of his malady. I told him of our
concerns.
“Indeed.” The wizard stroked his beard thought-fully. “ ‘Tis but one way to see if the Brownie is playing
us true or false. We must make our own magic to con-tact the young witch!”
Magic! Alas, at that point in my young career, I knew far too little about it. During the time of my early
ap-prenticeship, back in the Western Woods, Ebenezum had been too busy to instruct me in much more
than sweeping and bucket carrying. Then, with the arrival of his malady, and our subsequent discovery of
the fiend-ish plots of the Netherhells, things became far more hectic. Well, we needed new magic, and
Ebenezum sug-gested we try some. I listened attentively. I may have been ignorant of spells, but surely
my eagerness wouldmore than make up for any knowledge I lacked.
“Indeed,” Ebenezum remarked, noting my extreme attention with a single, raised eyebrow. “I suggest a
communication spell. Very effective and very simple. Wuntvor should be able to master it in no time.”
Holding his nose delicately, the wizard pulled me aside.
“Wuntvor.” My master spoke softly, but with great feeling. “I believe we have come to a turning point in
our journeys. Once we left Heemat’s behind, we left civilization as well. We will not see another town
before the edge of the Inland Sea.” He paused a moment to stroke his long white mustache. “I sense
some dissent between our companions. Both have proved their worth on this journey, as I am sure they
will continue to do. But both will be of much more worth if we give them leadership. And magic is what
makes us leaders. As we’ve seen, I can still manage a spell or two under duress, but it takes far too
much out of me. And we need more than that. Simple spells, everyday things to keep our spirits up. This,
Wunt, is where you can be invaluable.”
The wizard coughed discreetly. “I know I have been remiss in the past in teaching you your craft. I
apologize for that. You know about the circumstances. Now, though, I must teach you the spells that will
serve us from day to day. Whatever happens, we must continue to appear to be in control of our
situation here.”
So he had heard us after all. I agreed with him totally. We would only be able to succeed if we kept our
spirits up. It was the one way Hendrek and Snarks would make it through. He did not have to mention
how much he and I needed it as well.
“Wuntvor,” my master intoned. “I remember a spell that you should have no trouble with at all.” Hec
lapped me on the shoulder. “We have need of the con-tents of your pack.”
Quickly, I removed the heavy burden from my back. When we had left from our home in the Western
Kingdoms, Ebenezum had brought what learned tomes and magical paraphernalia we might have use of
on our journeys. As his apprentice, it was of course my duty to carry these important belongings,
especially since, as my master had so often told me, a wizard should keep his hands free for quick
conjuring and his mind free for sorcerous conjecture. Heavy as these items were, they had already
proved indispensable on a number of occa-sions, and I had begun to think of the weighty pack as almost
a part of me, especially since I could depend on my stout oak staff to help support the weight when the
going got rough, and to keep me from pitching forward when we traveled downhill.
Ebenezum briefly outlined his plan and, after a mo-ment’s rummaging through the crowded sack, I found
just what the wizard requested: the Spring issue ofConjurer’s Quarterly. I could tell at a glance that it
was just what we wanted, for, in the bottom right-hand cor-ner of the bright yellow cover, just below the
painting of the attractive, smiling witch, were the words, printed in an even brighter red,Five Simple
Spells Even Your Ap-prentice Can Master. This was for me! I quickly turned to the appropriate page.
And there it was, right after “Basic Cleaning Spell” and just before “Basic Romance Spell” (I’d have to
come back to that one later), “Basic Communication Spell: Communicate Better Through Visual Aids!”
The wizard frowned thoughtfully in my direction. “So Wuntvor. Do you think you are up to it?”
I nodded eagerly. “Yes, master. We will speak with Norei in no time!” The spell was little more than a
seriesof pictures. If using this spell meant I could speak with my beloved, I knew I would not fail!
“Good, ‘prentice.” The wizard scratched thought-fully beneath his cap. “I shall be nearby if you require
advice. Or at least as nearby as I deem safe.” My master quietly moved a few paces away.
I returned my attention to the learned periodical.
“Think of magical thoughts as you might think of birds,” the instructions began. “Your thoughts may fly
through the air as birds may fly, and they may land miles and miles from that point at which they began
their flight. To best use this spell, you must picture yourself as a bird in flight, a noble hawk, perhaps,
which brings tidings of great import, or a gentle dove, bearing a message of love.”
Beneath these words were a series of drawings: a hawk in flight; a swan upon a lake; a dove carrying a
rose in its beak. “Look at one of these images, or look at a real bird in flight, and concentrate. Your
thoughts are that bird, flying to a perch of your choosing. But remember, concentration is the key! Let
nothing distract you—”
摘要：

AMultitudeofMonstersBook2oftheEbeneziumCraigShawGardnerCONTENTSONE.6TWO..11THREE.18FOUR..25FIVE.30SIX..38SEVEN..44EIGHT.54NINE.63TEN..72ELEVEN..82TWELVE.89THIRTEEN..96FOURTEEN..103FIFTEEN..109SIXTEEN..117  THEMAGETHINKSSOMESAGETHOUGHTSThereistalkinsomelearnedcirclesofourmajorcitiesaboutwhetherornots...

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