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Nancy FridayNancy Friday

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MORE WOMEN’S SEXUAL FANTASIESMORE WOMEN’S SEXUAL FANTASIES

This book belongs to the

women whose letters fill it. Many

wrote to question their own

sexuality, others to confirm it.

From them all, I have learned

about my own.

– N . F.

“Your book My Secret Garden reduces women

to men's sexual level.”

– Dr. Theodore I. Rubin, to

Nancy Friday, in NBC

radio interview, 1973

“Aren't women entitled to a little lust too?”

– Nancy Friday's reply

TABLE OF CONTENTS

AN INTRODUCTION ......................................................1

CHAPTER ONE............................................................ 13

CHILDHOOD......................................................................13

Dorothy, Carla and Tom, Jennie, Sarah, Claudia,

Janice, Denise, Frank, Lana, Robyn, Ivy, Bonnie,

Sophie, Dr. John Harrison, Deedee, Loretta, Sharon,

Brenda, Gena, Joyce

CHAPTER TWO........................................................... 65

ADOLESCENCE .................................................................65

Sis, Beth Anne, Penelope, Jenny, Veevee, Katherine

Muffie, Carina, June, Tina, Toby, Penny, Cecillia,

Isabel

CHAPTER THREE ....................................................... 94

LOOKING ...........................................................................94

Roxanne, Sharon, Molly, Jackie, Sally, Marylou

CHAPTER FOUR ....................................................... 116

FRUSTRATION ................................................................116

Laura, Biba, Lyle, Dot, Gloria, Callie, Arlene, Bunny,

Sherri, Ginger, Ricky, Stella, Jill

CHAPTER FIVE ......................................................... 156

DAYDREAMING ..............................................................156

Lulu, Jackie, Ethel, Samantha, Debbie, Connie,

Elaine, Sophie, Killie, Libby, Phyllis, Marilyn,

Moreen, Janet, Lucia, Lilly, Wilma Joan

CHAPTER SIX ........................................................... 187

MASTURBATION.............................................................187

Emma, Venice, Libby, Dorothy, Liberated Lady,

Noranna, Fanny, Liz, Anonymous, Diane, Cecilia,

Carole, Gabbie, Isolde

CHAPTER SEVEN ..................................................... 226

DURING SEX ....................................................................226

Lynn, Jan, lsabel, Kate, Helen, Riva, Beth,

“Shoulders”, Monica, Delia, Daisy, Vi

CHAPTER EIGHT ...................................................... 255

DREAMS COME TRUE ...................................................255

Carolyn, May, Chessie, Rose Ann, Nessie, Kellie

Lizzy, Joni

AFTERWORD ............................................................ 295

AN INTRODUCTION

Dear Nancy:

I finished your book this morning, and all I can say is Thank

God someone opened my eyes to this aspect of human sexuality

while I am still young enough to be just at the beginning of my

sexual life. Your book has totally changed my way of thinking.

I am seventeen and until a few months ago, had had

intercourse with only one person – my boyfriend for two years.

Perhaps that is why I have fantasized so much during our

sessions. But whatever the reason, it always made me feel

guilty, unfaithful, and perverted – and I suppose this negative

feeling about myself was another factor that kept me from

enjoying sex with him.

Reading My Secret Garden has shown me in the clearest

terms that sex and fantasies are not something to be endured,

but to be enjoyed. Your book has chopped years off the time it

would have taken me to make these discoveries myself. Thank

you for allowing me to be reborn sexually before it was too late

to change my beliefs, and before I got clogged down forever in

sexual guilt.

Sincerely,

Mary

 Sexual mores and practices have shown an age-old

resistance to change. Today, there is hardly any part of human

behavior we are more willing to question and alter. The accep-

tance of new ideas of what is sexually okay is now so immedi-

ate you'd think entire generations had been holding their breath

– people being born, living, and dying, yet never daring to ex-

plore their own sexuality, afraid that only she/he ever felt cer-

tain erotic desires, only he/she was aberrant and everyone else

was “normal.” Then, suddenly, The Word is out; without

seeming to pause for even a sigh of relief, everybody knows

without further discussion that it is not only okay, but that it

has always been okay.

To suggest you ever questioned it is to show what a hopeless

square you were to begin with. It took years for Kinsey's find-

ings in the '40s to make their full cultural impact, but the revo-

lution Masters and Johnson introduced in the '60s was imme-

diately accepted as not revolutionary at all. Right away, their

findings became part of everyone's workaday bedroom knowl-

edge. “Sure, what else is new?”

Oral sex, for example. In the '50s, I almost fainted when a

man suggested it. Yet I almost fainted with pleasure when he

did it. Today, who would dare suggest that oral sex was bad,

dirty, perverted – or even unusual?

During the five years I was compiling material for My Secret

Garden, I could not find a doctor or psychiatrist who would

intelligently discuss women's sexual fantasies. It was still a

taboo subject. In 1968, before I decided to write the book, I did

some research in the giant New York Public Library and the

even larger British Museum library in London. In the millions

upon millions of cards on file in these two vast repositories of

practically everything ever written in the English language, I

did not find a single book or magazine article that dealt with

the subject, even though, by definition, women's sexual fanta-

sies were of more than intellectual interest to one-half of the

human race.

I spoke to at least a dozen psychiatrists in both the United

States and Great Britain. The most any of these learned men

would concede was that perhaps some women did have sexual

fantasies when they masturbated; otherwise, they said, the

phenomenon was limited to the sexually frustrated and/or to

the pathological. They took the initial fact that a woman had

sexual fantasies as a sign of sickness. The idea that a happily

married woman, sexually satisfied by a beloved husband,

might still have erotic pictures in mind – perhaps of another

man, perhaps of ten other men – was totally foreign to their

ideas of feminine “mental health.” Too often in these discus-

sions, the medical mask would slip, and I would find myself

facing not the calm professional but the outraged man. The

disgusted son, husband, and father would look at me – surely a

hoax cleverly disguised as a “nice woman” – with ill-concealed

anxiety and dislike. “You are entitled to your subjective opin-

ions, Miss Friday. But have you any medical qualifications to

back up your ideas?”

As late as February 1973, the noted “permissive” Dr. Allen

Fromme would take a similar position in daring Cosmopolitan

magazine. “Women do not have sexual fantasies,” Dr. Fromme

wrote, and went on with patronizing kindness: “How do we

know? Ask a woman, and she will usually reply, No. The rea-

son for this is obvious: women haven't been brought up to en-

joy sex … women are by and large destitute of sexual fantasy.”

Needless to say, this reinforced the need to deny the practice

of sexual fantasy among the millions of Cosmo Girls who read

these words, not only when talking to eminent medicos like Dr.

Fromme but even to themselves. Of course, most women told

Dr. Fromme that they did not have sexual fantasies; no woman

wanted to be thought sexually “weird” when faced with what

seemed to be expert medical opinion, that if she did, she was

totally outside the “normal” experience of her sisters. Dr.

Fromme may have thought he was being merely descriptive. In

fact, he was being normative. A self-fulfilling prophet.

Yet an example of the almost frightening speed with which

the experts can revise their ideas on contemporary sexual dos

and don'ts was recently printed in the same magazine in Febru-

ary 1975. When a practicing New York psychoanalyst and

Cosmo's own monthly psychiatric-advice columnist could say

this:

“… all women have sexual fantasies, though sometimes

they won't admit it, even to themselves. Fantasies are make-

believe states used to enhance reality. A woman making love to

one man may imagine that several other men are watching….

Her fantasy provides a safe way to explore the erotic possibili-

ties of a situation that might be very threatening or guilt-

producing if she acted it out.”

The psychoanalyst goes on to say: “A fantasy can give a

woman an added sense of life and all its possibilities. It is the

unexamined corners of the mind that breed neurosis and fear –

not the portions of ourselves we know, recognize and accept.”

When My Secret Garden was published, I was happy to

find other doctors coming forward to support my feelings that

sexual fantasies were not necessarily a sign of neurosis, but

were, instead, a sign of a woman's sexual exuberance and life.

Dr. Leonard Cammer, chairman, Section on Psychiatry, Medi-

cal Society of the State of New York, endorsed my views, as

did the noted founder and executive director of SIECUS, (Sex

Information and Education Council of the U.S.), Dr. Mary Cal-

derone. And yet the anxiety that the subject aroused in many

medical men would not abate: the validity of my statistical

methods was attacked. “But all the women you talked to volun-

teered to do so,” was the way this objection usually ran. “They

are a self-selected sample. How can you extrapolate from what

these exhibitionistic volunteers tell you? How can you say that

their experiences are also shared by their sisters in the silent

majority?”

This same argument was used against Kinsey and Masters

and Johnson when their research was published, but time has

proven that their studies not only voiced the views of the peo-

ple who volunteered but also spoke for the broad spectrum of

Americans in general. In addition, I note no reluctance in the

works of psychoanalysts themselves, beginning with Freud, to

base their theories of human nature on that tiny fraction of the

human race that has laid itself bare on the analytic couch. The

vast majority of the human race has never figured in any psy-

choanalytic survey or clinical documentation of human behav-

ior – and still any psychoanalyst you talk to will unhesitatingly

tell you “all” people pass through certain stages of the Oedipus

complex. It is my feeling that if over two thousand women

from all parts of the country, of all ages, marital status, and

economic classes write that they have these or those sexual

fantasies that make them feel this way or that, their feelings

and experiences are going to be shared by the great majority of

all women. “In my practice,” says Dr. Sonya Friedman, a De-

troit clinical psychologist and marriage counselor, “I am con-

tinually struck by how much more we are alike than we are

different.”

In the end, I must leave the validity of what I am saying to

you, the reader, to judge. If this book awakens no resonance in

you, if you feel no recognition or empathy between yourself and

the women who speak in these pages, it is not that you are odd

– it is only that I am wrong about you. But for the rest of my

readers, I offer the message that is contained in almost every

letter I have received. “Thank God you opened the discussion

about women's sexual fantasies. I thought I was the only one

who had these ideas. I was afraid to tell my husband [priest,

doctor, or whoever], because I was afraid he would think I was

some kind of weird freak. I felt like a pervert, so guilty and

alone….” My message is, Welcome. You are not alone.

I believe it is individual anxiety that makes so many people

unable to accept the idea of sexual fantasy in others. The por-

trait of women it evokes is too new, too frightening – above all,

too much at war with all our past stereotypes of women as

maidens, mothers, “ladies.”

People laugh nervously when the subject of My Secret Gar-

den and sexual fantasies comes up. Some people turn red and

tell me they never read pornography or else they nervously light

a cigarette and dismiss the whole subject as “boring.” When

Garden was published, I became depressed by the anxi-

ety/dismissal/north the book aroused in many women and men,

friends and strangers. My husband helped me. “Freud was

dismissed as a scandal and a dirty old man,” Bill said, “be-

cause he talked about masturbation and the sexuality of chil-

dren. Up till then, people thought children were `pure' as an-

gels. When Freud talked about sex and incestuous desires, he

was called a pornographer too.” Of course, I am in no way

comparing my work or myself to Freud; but I do think we are

living through a time in sexual history as emotionally loaded as

Freud's own. By trying to understand the secret thoughts of

women – the emerging sex – we may succeed in unscrambling

the sexual bigotry of the past. Only in this way will we be able

to understand the distorted man-woman relationship that has

led to the frightening anger between the sexes today. I hope

this book will help.

Our real world … from the morning paper to the late late

television movie … is saturated with commercial sex, romantic

sex, and, yes, violent sex. These emotions and images stay in

our minds – along with all the other desires and drives we are

born with. What is a woman to do with all these ideas? One

thing she does is shape them closer to her heart's desire, using

the sexual stimuli she likes, softening or discarding the images

that turned her off, inventing her own sexual fantasies. If these

reveries stimulate her sexually while she goes about her daily

routine, I'm all for it. If a few lustful and erotic reveries make

the housework go by “as if in a dream,” why not?

Probably the most important thing to remember about fanta-

sies is that they are not facts, not deeds; they are not “acting

out.” Summoning up an erotic image in the imagination does

not necessarily mean we want to bring it into reality. In fact,

very often the fantasy itself discharges the forbidden energy

and entirely eschews the need for acting out. In the same way

that dreams at night can be said to be psychotic discharges of

the mind that allow us to be sane during the day, fantasies of

even the most primitive, regressive nature help us to be adult

and responsible in our real behavior.

If anyone, man or woman, lives out Freud's dictum that a

fulfilled life contains both love and work, I don't care what

fantasies that person has. If a woman has daydreams of making

it with Napoleon's horse, but says she is satisfied with her life,

who am I, or who is any doctor, to tell her that she is strange?

Today, for the first, time in history, women are encouraging

each other to be more sexually free and accepting. As we do, is

it surprising that men are now becoming the first line of de-

fense against the breakup of the old morality? It is men who

have become wary and critical of women's new role as sexual

initiator and free agent. “Love” itself is suddenly raised as the

banner under which many men march. “Don't you love me

anymore?” suddenly asks the husband who always claimed

that his own casual philanderings “have nothing to do with my

wife,” when he learns that she has been having a little after-

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NancyFridayNancyFridayForbiddenForbiddenMOREWOMEN’SSEXUALFANTASIESMOREWOMEN’SSEXUALFANTASIESThisbookbelongstothewomenwhoselettersfillit.Manywrotetoquestiontheirownsexuality,otherstoconfirmit.Fromthemall,Ihavelearnedaboutmyown.–N.F.“YourbookMySecretGardenreduceswomentomen'ssexuallevel.”–Dr.TheodoreI....

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