
Everythingstartssomewhere,althoughmanyphysicistsdisagree.
Butpeoplehavealwaysbeendimlyawareoftheproblemwiththestartofthings.
They wonder aloud how the snowplough driver gets to work, or how the makers of
dictionarieslookupthespellingofthewords.Yetthereistheconstantdesiretofind
some point in the twisting, knotting, ravelling nets of space-time on which a
metaphorical finger can be put to indicate that here, here, is the point where it all
began...
Something began when the Guild of Assassins enrolled Mister Teatime, who saw
thingsdifferentlyfromotherpeople,andoneofthewaysthathesawthingsdifferently
from other people was in seeing other people as things (later, Lord Downey of the
Guildsaid,'Wetookpityonhimbecausehe'dlostbothparentsatanearlyage.Ithink
that,onreflection,weshouldhavewonderedabitmoreaboutthat.')
Butitwasmuchearliereventhanthatwhenmostpeopleforgotthattheveryoldest
storiesare,soonerorlater,aboutblood.Laterontheytookthebloodouttomakethe
storiesmoreacceptabletochildren,oratleasttothepeoplewhohadtoreadthemto
children rather than the children themselves (who, on thewhole, arequite keenon
blood provided it's being shed by the deserving
1
), and then wondered where the
storieswent.
Andearlierstillwhensomethinginthedarknessofthedeepestcavesandgloomiest
foreststhought:whatarethey,thesecreatures?Iwillobservethem.
Andmuch,muchearlierthanthat,whentheDiscworldwasformed,driftingonwards
throughspaceatopfourelephantsontheshellofthegiantturtle,GreatA'Tuin.
Possibly,asitmoves,itgetstangledlikeablindmaninacobwebbedhouseinthose
highly specialized little spacetime strands that try to breed in every history they
encounter,stretchingthemandbreakingthemandtuggingthemintonewshapes.
Orpossiblynot,ofcourse.ThephilosopherDidactyloshassummedupanalternative
hypothesisas'Thingsjusthappen.Whatthehell.'
TheseniorwizardsofUnseenUniversitystoodandlookedatthedoor.
Therewasnodoubtthatwhoeverhadshutitwantedittostayshut.Dozensofnails
securedittothedoorframe.Plankshadbeennailedrightacross.Andfinallyithad,up
untilthismorning,beenhiddenbyabookcasethathadbeenputinfrontofit.
'And there's the sign, Ridcully,' said the Dean. 'You have read it, I assume. You
know?Thesignwhichsays"Donot,underanycircumstances,openthisdoor"?'
'OfcourseI'vereadit,'saidRidcully.'Whyd'yerthinkIwantitopened?'
'Er...why?'saidtheLecturerinRecentRunes.
'Toseewhytheywanteditshut,ofcourse.`
2
HegesturedtoModo,theUniversity'sgardenerandoddjobdwarf,whowasstanding
bywithacrowbar.
'Gotoit,lad.'
Thegardenersaluted.'Rightyouare,sir.'
Againstabackgroundofsplinteringtimber,Ridcullywenton:'Itsaysontheplans
thatthiswasabathroom.There'snothingfrighteningaboutabathroom,forgods'sake.
Iwantabathroom.I'mfedupwithsluicingdownwithyoufellows.It'sunhygienic.You
1
Thatistosay,thosewhodeservetoshedblood.Orpossiblynot.Youneverquiteknowwithsomekids
.
2
Thisexchangecontainsalmostallyouneedtoknowabouthumancivilization.Atleast,thosebitsofitthatarenowunderthesea,
fencedofforstillsmoking.