Pratchett, Terry - Discworld 20 - Hogfather

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Hogfather
ByTerryPratchett
v1.018/11/2000scannedandspellchekedwithWord2000by4i
Publications
Everythingstartssomewhere,althoughmanyphysicistsdisagree.
Butpeoplehavealwaysbeendimlyawareoftheproblemwiththestartofthings.
They wonder aloud how the snowplough driver gets to work, or how the makers of
dictionarieslookupthespellingofthewords.Yetthereistheconstantdesiretofind
some point in the twisting, knotting, ravelling nets of space-time on which a
metaphorical finger can be put to indicate that here, here, is the point where it all
began...
Something began when the Guild of Assassins enrolled Mister Teatime, who saw
thingsdifferentlyfromotherpeople,andoneofthewaysthathesawthingsdifferently
from other people was in seeing other people as things (later, Lord Downey of the
Guildsaid,'Wetookpityonhimbecausehe'dlostbothparentsatanearlyage.Ithink
that,onreflection,weshouldhavewonderedabitmoreaboutthat.')
Butitwasmuchearliereventhanthatwhenmostpeopleforgotthattheveryoldest
storiesare,soonerorlater,aboutblood.Laterontheytookthebloodouttomakethe
storiesmoreacceptabletochildren,oratleasttothepeoplewhohadtoreadthemto
children rather than the children themselves (who, on thewhole, arequite keenon
blood provided it's being shed by the deserving
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), and then wondered where the
storieswent.
Andearlierstillwhensomethinginthedarknessofthedeepestcavesandgloomiest
foreststhought:whatarethey,thesecreatures?Iwillobservethem.
Andmuch,muchearlierthanthat,whentheDiscworldwasformed,driftingonwards
throughspaceatopfourelephantsontheshellofthegiantturtle,GreatA'Tuin.
Possibly,asitmoves,itgetstangledlikeablindmaninacobwebbedhouseinthose
highly specialized little spacetime strands that try to breed in every history they
encounter,stretchingthemandbreakingthemandtuggingthemintonewshapes.
Orpossiblynot,ofcourse.ThephilosopherDidactyloshassummedupanalternative
hypothesisas'Thingsjusthappen.Whatthehell.'
TheseniorwizardsofUnseenUniversitystoodandlookedatthedoor.
Therewasnodoubtthatwhoeverhadshutitwantedittostayshut.Dozensofnails
securedittothedoorframe.Plankshadbeennailedrightacross.Andfinallyithad,up
untilthismorning,beenhiddenbyabookcasethathadbeenputinfrontofit.
'And there's the sign, Ridcully,' said the Dean. 'You have read it, I assume. You
know?Thesignwhichsays"Donot,underanycircumstances,openthisdoor"?'
'OfcourseI'vereadit,'saidRidcully.'Whyd'yerthinkIwantitopened?'
'Er...why?'saidtheLecturerinRecentRunes.
'Toseewhytheywanteditshut,ofcourse.`
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HegesturedtoModo,theUniversity'sgardenerandoddjobdwarf,whowasstanding
bywithacrowbar.
'Gotoit,lad.'
Thegardenersaluted.'Rightyouare,sir.'
Againstabackgroundofsplinteringtimber,Ridcullywenton:'Itsaysontheplans
thatthiswasabathroom.There'snothingfrighteningaboutabathroom,forgods'sake.
Iwantabathroom.I'mfedupwithsluicingdownwithyoufellows.It'sunhygienic.You
 
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Thatistosay,thosewhodeservetoshedblood.Orpossiblynot.Youneverquiteknowwithsomekids
.
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Thisexchangecontainsalmostallyouneedtoknowabouthumancivilization.Atleast,thosebitsofitthatarenowunderthesea,
fencedofforstillsmoking.

cancatchstuff.Myfathertoldmethat.Whereyougetlotsofpeoplebathingtogether,
theVerrucaGnomeisrunningaroundwithhislittlesack.'
'IsthatliketheToothFairy?'saidtheDeansarcastically.
'I'minchargehereandIwantabathroomofmyown,'saidRidcullyfirmly.'Andthat's
allthereistoit,allright?IwantabathroomintimeforHogswatchnight,understand?'
Andthat'sa problemwithbeginnings,ofcourse.Sometimes,whenyou'redealing
withoccultrealmsthathavequiteadifferentattitudetotime,yougettheeffectalittle
waybeforethecause.
Fromsomewhereontheedgeofhearingcameaglingleglingleglinglenoise,likelittle
silverbells.
AtaboutthesametimeastheArchchancellorwaslayingdownthelaw,SusanSto-
Helitwassittingupinbed,readingbycandlelight.
Frostpatternscurledacrossthewindows.
Sheenjoyedtheseearlyevenings.Onceshehadputthechildrentobedshewas
more or less left to herself. Mrs Gaiter was pathetically scared of giving her any
instructionseventhoughshepaidSusan'swages.
Notthatthewageswereimportant,ofcourse.Whatwasimportantwasthatshewas
beingherOwnPersonandholdingdownaRealjob.Andbeingagovernesswasareal
job.Theonlytrickybithadbeentheembarrassmentwhenheremployerfoundoutthat
shewasaduchess,becauseinMrsGaiter'sbook,whichwasarathershortbookwith
big handwriting, the upper crust wasn't supposed to work. It was supposed to loaf
around.ItwasallSusancoulddotostophercurtseyingwhentheymet.
Aflickermadeherturnherhead.
Thecandleflamewasstreamingouthorizontally,asthoughinahowlingwind.
Shelookedup.Thecurtainsbillowedawayfromthewindow,which-
-flungitselfopenwithaclatter.
Buttherewasnowind.
Atleast,nowindinthisworld.
Imagesformedinhermind.Aredball...Thesharpsmellofsnow...Andthenthey
weregone,andinsteadtherewere...
'Teeth?'saidSusan,aloud.'Teeth,again?'
Sheblinked.Whensheopenedhereyesthewindowwas,assheknewitwouldbe,
firmlyshut.Thecurtainhungdemurely.Thecandleflamewasinnocentlyupright.Oh,
no,notagain.Notafterallthistime.Everythinghadbeengoingsowell
'Thusan?'
Shelookedaround.Herdoorhadbeenpushedopenandasmallfigurestoodthere,
barefootinanightdress.
Shesighed.'Yes,Twyla?'
'I'mafwaidofthemonsterinthecellar,Thusan.It'sgoingtoeatmeup.'
Susanshutherbookfirmlyandraisedawarningfinger.
'WhathaveItoldyouabouttryingtosoundingratiatinglycute,Twyla?'shesaid.
Thelittlegirlsaid,'YousaidImustn't.Yousaidthatexaggeratedlispingisahanging
offenceandIonlydoittogetattention.'
'Good.Doyouknowwhatmonsteritisthistime?'
'It'sthebighairyonewif-'
Susanraisedthefinger.'Uh?'shewarned.
‘-witheightarms,'Twylacorrectedherself.
'What,again?Oh,allright.'
Shegotoutofbedandputonherdressinggown,tryingtostayquitecalmwhilethe
childwatchedher.Sotheywerecomingback.Oh,notthemonsterinthecellar.That
wasall in aday'swork.But itlookedasifshewasgoingtostartrememberingthe
futureagain.
Sheshookherhead.Howeverfaryouranaway,youalwayscaughtyourselfup.
But monsters were easy, at least. She'd learned how to deal with monsters. She
pickedupthepokerfromthenurseryfenderandwentdownthebackstairs,withTwyla
followingher.
TheGaiterswerehavingadinnerparty.Muffledvoicescamefromthedirectionof
thediningroom.
Then,asshecreptpast,adooropenedandyellowlightspilledoutandavoicesaid,
'Yegawds,there'sagelinanightshirtoutherewithapoker!'
ShesawfiguressilhouettedinthelightandmadeouttheworriedfaceofMrsGaiter.
'Susan?Er...whatareyoudoing?'
Susanlookedatthepokerandthenbackatthewoman.'Twylasaidshe'safraidofa
monsterinthecellar,MrsGaiter.'
'Andyergoingtoattackitwithapoker,eh?'saidoneoftheguests.Therewasa
strongatmosphereofbrandyandcigars.
'Yes,'saidSusansimply.
'Susan'sourgoverness,'saidMrsGaiter.'Er...Itoldyouabouther.'
Therewasachangeintheexpressiononthefacespeeringoutfromthediningroom.
Itbecameasortofamusedrespect.
'Shebeatsupmonsterswithapoker?'saidsomeone.
'Actually,that'saverycleveridea,'saidsomeoneelse.'Littlegelgetsitintoherhead
there's a monster in the cellar, you go in with the poker and make a few bashing
noiseswhilethechildlistens, andtheneverything'sallright.Goodthinkin',thatgirl.
Ver'sensible.Ver'modem.'
'Isthatwhatyou'redoingSusan?'saidMrsGaiteranxiously.
'Yes,MrsGaiter,'saidSusanobediently.
'ThisI'vegottowatch,byIo!It'snoteverydayyouseemonstersbeatenupbyagel,'
saidthemanbehindher.Therewasaswishofsilkandacloudofcigarsmokeasthe
dinerspouredoutintothehall.
Susansighedagainandwentdownthecellarstairs,whileTwylasatdemurelyatthe
top,huggingherknees.
Adooropenedandshut.
Therewasashortperiodofsilenceandthenaterrifyingscream.Onewomanfainted
andamandroppedhiscigar.
'Youdon'thavetoworry,everythingwillbeallright,'saidTwylacalmly.'Shealways
wins.Everythingwillbeallright.'
There were thuds and clangs, and then a whirring noise, and finally a sort of
bubbling.
Susan pushed open the door. The poker was bent at right angles. There was
nervousapplause.
'Ver' well done,' said a guest. 'Ver' persykological. Clever idea, that, bendin' the
poker.AndIexpectyou'renotafraidanymore,eh,littlegirl?'
'No,'saidTwyla
'Ver'persykological.'
'Susansaysdon'tgetafraid,getangry,'saidTwyla.
'Er,thankyou,Susan,'saidMrsGaiter,nowatremblingbouquetofnerves.'And,er,
now,SirGeoffrey,ifyou'dallliketocomebackintotheparlour-Imean,thedrawing
room-'
Thepartywentbackupthehall.ThelastthingSusanheardbeforethedoorshut
was'Dashedconvincin',thewayshebentthepokerlikethat-'
Shewaited.
'Havetheyallgone,Twyla?'
'Yes,Susan.'
'Good.'Susanwentbackintothecellarandemergedtowingsomethinglargeand
hairywitheightlegs.Shemanagedtohaulitupthestepsanddowntheotherpassage
tothebackyard,whereshekickeditout.Itwouldevaporatebeforedawn.
'That'swhatwedotomonsters,'shesaid.
Twylawatchedcarefully.
'Andnowit'sbedforyou,mygirl,'saidSusan,pickingherup.
'C'nIhavethepokerinmyroomforthenight?'
'Allright.'
'It only kills monsters, doesn't it...?' the child said sleepily, as Susan carried her
upstairs.
'That'sright,'Susansaid.'Allkinds.'
She put the girl to bed next to her brother and leaned the poker against the toy
cupboard.
Thepokerwasmadeofsomecheapmetalwithabrassknobontheend.Shewould,
Susan reflected, give quite a lot to be able to use it on the children's previous
governess.
'G'night.'
'Goodnight.'
She went back to her own small bedroom and got back into bed, watching the
curtainssuspiciously.
Itwouldbenicetothinkshe'dimaginedit.Itwouldalsobestupidtothinkthat,too.
Butshe'dbeennearlynormalfortwoyearsnow,makingherownwayintherealworld,
neverrememberingthefutureatall...
Perhapsshehadjustdreamedthings(butevendreamscouldbereal...).
Shetriedtoignorethelongthreadofwaxthatsuggestedthecandlehad,justfora
fewseconds,streamedinthewind.
AsSusansoughtsleep,LordDowneysatinhisstudycatchinguponthepaperwork.
Lord Downey was an assassin. Or, rather, an Assassin. The capital letter was
important.Itseparatedthosecurswhowentaroundmurderingpeopleformoneyfrom
the gentlemen who were occasionally consulted by other gentlemen who wishedto
haveremoved,foraconsideration,anyinconvenientrazorbladesfromthecandyfloss
oflife.
ThemembersoftheGuildofAssassinsconsideredthemselvesculturedmenwho
enjoyedgoodmusicandfoodandliterature.Andtheyknewthevalueofhumanlife.To
apenny,inmanycases.
LordDowney'sstudywasoak-panelledandwellcarpeted.Thefurniturewasveryold
andquiteworn,butthewearwasthewearthatcomesonlywhenverygoodfurnitureis
carefullyusedoverseveralcenturies.Itwasmaturedfurniture.
Alog fireburnedinthegrate.Infrontof itacoupleofdogsweresleepinginthe
tangledwayoflargehairydogseverywhere.
Apartfromtheoccasionaldoggysnoreorthecrackleofashiftinglog,therewereno
othersoundsbutthescratchingofLordDowney'spenandthetickingofthelongcase
clockbythedoor...small,privatenoiseswhichonlyservedtodefinethesilence.
Atleast,thiswasthecaseuntilsomeoneclearedtheirthroat.
Thesoundsuggestedveryclearlythatthepurposeoftheexercisewasnottoerase
the presence of a troublesome bit of biscuit, but merely to indicate in the politest
possiblewaythepresenceofthethroat.
Downeystoppedwritingbutdidnotraisehishead.
Then,afterwhatappearedtobesomeconsideration,hesaidinabusinesslikevoice,
'The doors are locked. The windows are barred. The dogs do not appear to have
wokenup.Thesqueakyfloorboardshaven't.OtherlittlearrangementswhichIwillnot
specify seem to have been bypassed. That severely limits the possibilities. I really
doubtthatyouareaghostandgodsgenerallydonotannouncethemselvessopolitely.
Youcould,ofcourse,beDeath,butIdon'tbelievehebotherswithsuchnicetiesand,
besides,Iamfeelingquitewell.Hmm!’
Somethinghoveredintheairinfrontofhisdesk.
'MyteethareinfineconditionsoyouareunlikelytobetheToothFairy.I'vealways
found that a stiff brandy before bedtime quite does away with the need for the
Sandman.And,sinceIcancarryatunequitewell,IsuspectI'mnotlikelytoattractthe
attentionofOldManTrouble.Hmm.'
Thefiguredriftedalittlenearer.
'Isupposeagnomecouldgetthroughamousehole,butIhavetrapsdown,'Downey
went on. 'Bogeymen can walk through walls but would be very loath to reveal
themselves.Really,youhavemeataloss.Hmm?'
Andthenhelookedup.
A grey robe hung in the air. It appeared to be occupied, in that it had a shape,
althoughtheoccupantwasnotvisible.
ThepricklyfeelingcreptoverDowneythattheoccupantwasn'tinvisible,merelynot,
inanyphysicalsense,thereatall.
'Goodevening,'hesaid.
Therobesaid,Goodevening,LordDowney.
Hisbrainregisteredthewords.Hisearssworetheyhadn'theardthem.
ButyoudidnotbecomeheadoftheAssassins'Guildbytakingfrighteasily.Besides,
thethingwasn'tfrightening.Itwas,thoughtDowney,astonishinglydull.Ifmonotonous
drabnesscouldtakeonashape,thiswouldbetheshapeitwouldchoose.
'Youappeartobeaspectre,'hesaid.
Our nature is not a matter for discussion, arrived in his head. We offer you a
commission.
'Youwishsomeoneinhumed?'saidDowney.
Broughttoanend.
Downey considered this. It was not as unusual as it appeared. There were
precedents.AnyonecouldbuytheservicesoftheGuild.Severalzombieshad,inthe
past,employedtheGuildtosettlescoreswiththeirmurderers.InfacttheGuild,he
liked to think practised the ultimate democracy. You didn't need intelligence, social
position,beautyorcharmtohireit. Youjustneededmoneywhich,unliketheother
stuff, was available to everyone. Except for the poor, of course, but there was no
helpingsomepeople.
'Broughttoanend...'Thatwasanoddwayofputtingit.
'Wecan-'hebegan.
Thepaymentwillreflectthedifficultyofthetask.
'Ourscaleoffees-'
Thepaymentwillbethreemilliondollars.
Downey sat back. That was four times higher than any fee yet earned by any
member of the Guild, and that had been a special family rate, including overnight
guests.
'Noquestionsasked,Iassume?'hesaid,buyingtime.
Noquestionsanswered.
'Butdoesthesuggestedfeerepresentthedifficultyinvolved?Theclientisheavily
guarded?'
Not guarded at all. But almost certainly impossible to delete with conventional
weapons.
Downeynodded.This wasnotnecessarily a bigproblem,hesaid tohimself. The
Guildhadamassedquiteafewunconventionalweaponsovertheyears.Delete?An
unusualwayofputtingit...
'Weliketoknowforwhomweareworking,hesaid.
Wearesureyoudo.
'Imeanthatweneedtoknowyourname.Ornames.Instrictclientconfidentiality,of
course.Wehavetowritesomethingdowninourfiles.'
Youmaythinkofusas...theAuditors.
'Really?Whatisityouaudit?'
Everything.
'Ithinkweneedtoknowsomethingaboutyou.'
Wearethepeoplewiththreemilliondollars.
Downeytookthepoint,althoughhedidn'tlikeit.Threemilliondollarscouldbuyalot
ofnoquestions.
'Really?'hesaid.'Inthecircumstances,sinceyouareanewclient,Ithinkwewould
likepaymentinadvance.'
Asyouwish.Thegoldisnowinyourvaults.
'Youmeanthatitwillshortlybeinourvaults,'saidDowney.
No. It has always been in your vaults. We know this because we have just put it
there.
Downeywatchedtheemptyhoodforamoment,andthenwithoutshiftinghisgaze
hereachedoutandpickedupthespeakingtube.
'MrWinvoe?'hesaid,afterwhistlingintoit. 'Ah.Good.Tellme,howmuchdowe
haveinourvaultsatthemoment?Oh,approximately.Tothenearestmillion,say.'He
heldthetubeawayfromhisearforamoment,andthenspokeintoitagain.'Well,bea
goodchapandcheckanyway,willyou?'
Hehungupthetubeandplacedhishandsflatonthedeskinfrontofhim.
'CanIofferyouadrinkwhilewewait?'hesaid.
Yes.Webelieveso.
Downeystoodupwithsomereliefandwalkedovertohislargedrinkscabinet.His
handhoveredovertheGuild'sardentandvaluabletantalus,withitslabelleddecanters
ofMur,Nig,TropandYksihw.
3
 
3
It'sasadandterriblethingthathigh-bornfolkreallyhavethoughtthattheservantswouldbetotallyfooledifspiritswereputinto
decantersthatwerecunninglylabelledbackwards.Andalsothroughouthistorythemorepoliticallyconsciousbutlerhastakeniton
trust,andwithrathermorejustification,thathisemployerswillnotnoticeifthewhiskyistoppedupwitheniru.
'And what would you liketo drink?' he said, wondering where the Auditorkept its
mouth. His hand hovered for just a moment over the smallest decanter, marked
Nosiop.
Wedonotdrink.
'ButyoudidjustsayIcouldofferyouadrink...'
Indeed.Wejudgeyoufullycapableofperformingthataction.
'Ah.'Downey'shandhesitatedoverthewhiskydecanter,andthenhethoughtbetter
ofit.Atthatpoint,thespeakingtubewhistled.
'Yes, Mr Winvoe? Really? Indeed? I myself have frequently found loose change
undersofacushions,it'samazinghowitmou...No,no,Iwasn'tbeing...Yes,Idid
havesomereasonto...No,noblameattachestoyouinany...No,Icouldhardlysee
howit...Yes,goandhavearest,whatagoodidea.Thankyou.'
Hehungupthetubeagain.Thecowlhadn'tmoved.
'Wewillneedtoknowwhere,whenand,ofcourse,who,'hesaid,afteramoment.
The cowl nodded. The location is not on any map. We would like the task to be
completedwithintheweek.Thisisessential.Asforthewho...
AdrawingappearedonDowney'sdeskandinhisheadarrivedthewords:Letuscall
himtheFatMan.
'Isthisajoke?'saidDowney.
Wedonotjoke.
No,youdon't,doyou,Downeythought.Hedrummedhisfingers.
'Therearemanywhowouldsaythis...persondoesnotexist,'hesaid.
Hemustexist.Howelsecouldyousoreadilyrecognizehispicture?Andmanyarein
correspondencewithhim.
'Well,yes,ofcourse,inasenseheexists…
Inasenseeverythingexists.Itiscessationofexistencethatconcernsushere.
'Findinghimwouldbealittledifficult.'
Youwillfindpersonsonanystreetwhocantellyouhisapproximateaddress.
'Yes,ofcourse,'saidDowney,wonderingwhyanyonewouldcallthem'persons'.It
wasanoddusage.'But,asyousay,Idoubtthattheycouldgiveamapreference.And
eventhen,howcouldthe...theFatManbeinhumed?Aglassofpoisonedsherry,
perhaps?'
Thecowlhadnofacetocrackasmile.
Youmisunderstandthenatureofemployment,itsaidinDowney'shead.
Hebridledatthis.Assassinswereneveremployed.Theywereengagedorretained
orcommissioned,butneveremployed.Onlyservantswereemployed.
'WhatisitthatImisunderstand,exactly?'hesaid.
Wepay.Youfindthewaysandmeans.
Thecowlbegantofade.
'HowcanIcontactyou?'saidDowney.
Wewillcontactyou.Weknowwhereyouare.Weknowwhereeveryoneis.
The figure vanished. At the same moment the door was flung open to reveal the
distraughtfigureofMrWinvoe,theGuildTreasurer.
'Excuseme,mylord,butIreallyhadtocomeup!'Heflungsomediscsonthedesk.
'Lookatthem!'
Downeycarefullypickedupagoldencircle.Itlookedlikeasmallcoin,but-
'Nodenomination!'saidWinvoe.'Noheads,notails,nomilling!It'sjustablankdisc!
They'realljustblankdiscs!'
Downeyopenedhismouthtosay,'Valueless?'Herealizedthathewashalfhoping
thatthiswasthecase.Ifthey,whoevertheywere,hadpaidinworthlessmetalthen
therewasn'teventheglimmeringofacontract.Buthecouldseethiswasn'tthecase.
Assassinslearnedtorecognizemoneyearlyintheircareers.
'Blankdiscs,'hesaid,'ofpuregold.'
Winvoenoddedmutely.
'That,'saidDowney,'willdonicely.'
'Itmustbemagical!'saidWinvoe.'Andweneveracceptmagicalmoney!'
Downeybouncedthecoinonthedeskacoupleoftimes.Itmadeasatisfyinglyrich
thunkingnoise.Itwasn'tmagical.Magicalmoneywouldlookreal,becauseitswhole
purpose was to deceive. But this didn't need to ape something as human and
adulteratedasmerecurrency.Thisisgold,ittoldhisfingers.Takeitorleaveit.
Downeysatandthought,whileWinvoestoodandworried.
'We'lltakeit,'hesaid.
'But-'
'Thankyou,MrWinvoe.Thatismydecision,'saidDowney.Hestaredintospacefor
awhile,andthensmiled.'IsMisterTeatimestillinthebuilding?'
Winvoestoodback.'Ithoughtthecouncilhadagreedtodismisshim,'hesaidstiffly.
'Afterthatbusinesswith---'
'MisterTeatimedoesnotseetheworldinquitethesamewayasotherpeople,'said
Downey,pickingupthepicturefromhisdeskandlookingatitthoughtfully.
'Well,indeed,Ithinkthatiscertainlytrue.'
'Pleasesendhimup.'
The Guild attracted all sorts of people, Downey reflected. He found himself
wonderinghowithadcometoattractWinvoe,foronething.Itwashardtoimaginehim
stabbing anyone in the heart in case he got blood on the victim's wallet. Whereas
MisterTeatime...
The problem was that the Guild took young boys and gave them a splendid
education and incidentally taught them how to kill, cleanly and dispassionately, for
moneyandforthegoodofsociety,oratleastthatpartofsocietythathadmoney,and
whatotherkindofsocietywasthere?
Butveryoccasionallyyoufoundyou'dgotsomeonelikeMisterTeatime,towhomthe
moneywasmerelyadistraction.MisterTeatimehadatrulybrilliantmind,butitwas
brilliantlikeafracturedmirror,allmarvellousfacetsandrainbowsbut,ultimately,also
somethingthatwasbroken.
MisterTeatimeenjoyedhimselftoomuch.Andotherpeople,also.
Downey had privately decided that some time soon Mister Teatime was going to
meetwithanaccident.Likemanypeoplewithnoactualmorals,LordDowneydidhave
standards, and Teatime repelled him. Assassination was a careful game, usually
played against people who knew the rules themselves or at least could afford the
servicesofthosewhodid.Therewasconsiderablesatisfactioninacleankill.What
therewasn'tsupposedtobewaspleasureinamessyone.Thatsortofthingledto
talk.
Ontheotherhand,Teatime'scorkscrewofamindwasexactlythetooltodealwith
somethinglikethis.Andifhedidn't...well,thatwashardlyDowney'sfault,wasit?
Heturnedhisattentiontothepaperworkforawhile.Itwasamazinghowthestuff
mountedup.Butyouhadtodealwithit.Itwasn'tasthoughtheyweremurderers,after
all...
Therewasaknockatthedoor.Hepushedthepaperworkasideandsatback.
'Comein,MisterTeatime,'hesaid.Itneverhurttoputtheotherfellowslightlyinawe
ofyou.
InfactthedoorwasopenedbyoneoftheGuild'sservants,carefullybalancingatea
tray.
'Ah,Carter,'saidLordDowney,recoveringmagnificently.'Justputitonthetableover
there,willyou?'
'Yes,sir,'saidCarter.Heturnedandnodded.'Sorry,sir,Iwillgoandfetchanother
cupdirectly,sir.'
'What?'
'Foryourvisitor,sir.'
'Whatvisitor?Oh,whenMisterTeati-'
Hestopped.Heturned.
Therewasayoungmansittingonthehearthrug,playingwiththedogs.
'MisterTeatime!'
'It's pronounced Teh-ah-tim-eh, sir,' said Teatime, with just a hint of reproach.
'Everyonegetsitwrong,sir.'
'Howdidyoudothat?'
'Prettywell,sir.Igotmildlyscorchedonthelastfewfeet,ofcourse.'
Thereweresomelumpsofsootonthehearthrug.Downeyrealizedhe'dheardthem
fall, but that hadn't been particularly extraordinary. No one could get down the
chimney.Therewasaheavygridfirmlyinplacenearthetopoftheflue.
'Butthere's ablocked-infireplacebehindtheold library,'said Teatime,apparently
readinghisthoughts.'Thefluesconnect,underthebars.Itwasreallyastroll,sir.'
'Really...'
'Oh,yes,sir.'
Downey nodded. The tendency of old buildings to be honeycombed with sealed
chimneyflueswasafactyoulearnedearlyinyourcareer.Andthen,hetoldhimself,
youforgot.Italwayspaidtoputtheotherfellowinaweofyou,too.Hehadforgotten
theytaughtthat,too.
'Thedogsseemtolikeyou,'hesaid.
'Igetonwellwithanimals,sir.'
Teatime'sfacewasyoungandopenandfriendly.Or,atleast,itsmiledallthetime.
Buttheeffectwasspoiledformostpeoplebythefactthatithadonlyoneeye.Some
unexplainedaccidenthadtakentheotherone,andthemissingorbhadbeenreplaced
byaballofglass.Theresultwasdisconcerting.ButwhatbotheredLordDowneyfar
morewastheman'sothereye,theonethatmightlooselybecallednormal.He'dnever
seensuchasmallandsharppupil.Teatimelookedattheworldthroughapinhole.
Hefoundhe'dretreatedbehindhisdeskagain.TherewasthataboutTeatime.You
alwaysfelt
happierifyouhadsomethingbetweenyouandhim.
'Youlikeanimals, doyou?'hesaid.'IhaveareportherethatsaysyounailedSir
George'sdogtotheceiling.'
'Couldn'thaveitbarkingwhileIwasworking,sir.'
'Somepeoplewouldhavedruggedit.'
'Oh.' Teatime looked despondent for a moment, but then he brightened. 'But I
definitelyfulfilledthecontract,sir.Therecanbenodoubtaboutthat,sir.IcheckedSir
George'sbreathingwithamirrorasinstructed.It'sinmyreport.'
摘要：

HogfatherByTerryPratchettv1.018/11/2000scannedandspellchekedwithWord2000by4iPublicationsEverythingstartssomewhere,althoughmanyphysicistsdisagree.Butpeoplehavealwaysbeendimlyawareoftheproblemwiththestartofthings.Theywonderaloudhowthesnowploughdrivergetstowork,orhowthemakersofdictionarieslookupthespel...

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