
past few days, especially for our friends up the coast. We already know today’s going to be bright and
sunny, but let’s tell our viewers out there in the Sunshine State what it’s going to be like for them outside
tomorrow!”
The camera pulled focus. I was center stage.
I held on to my smile like it was a life preserver. “Well, Marvin, I’m sure tomorrow’s going to be a
beautiful day for going outside and soaking up some—”
Marvin had taken the required number of steps out of frame, and just as I said the word “soaking,”
the bored, cigar-chomping stagehand standing off-camera to my left yanked a rope.
About twenty gallons of water dumped from buckets directly over my head, right on target. It hurt.
The bastards had chilled it, or else it was a lot colder up in those rafters than down here on the stage; the
stuff felt ice-cold as it splashed off the plastic rain hat, straight down the back of my neck, to splash down
into the stupid yellow rain boots.
I was standing in a kiddie pool with yellow rubber duckies on it. Most of the water made it in. I
gasped and looked surprised, which wasn’t hard; even when you expect it, it’s tough not to be surprised
by the idea that someone will actually do a thing like this to you.
Or that you will not kill them for it.
The anchors and Marvin laughed like lunatics. I kept smiling, took my rain hat off, and said, “Well,
that’s the weather in Florida, folks, just when you least expect it…”
And they hit me with the last bucket. Which they hadn’t warned me about.
“Oh, boy, sorry about that, Weather Girl!” Marvin whooped, and came back into frame as I shoved
my dripping hair back and tried to keep on smiling. “Guess we’re in for a few showers tomorrow, eh?”
“Seventy percent chance,” I gritted out. It wasn’t quite so perky as I’d planned.
“So, moms, pack those umbrellas and raincoats for the kids in the morning! Joanne, it’s time for our
weather lesson of the day: Can you tell our viewers the difference between weather and climate?”
A climate is the weather in an area averaged over a long period of time, you moron. I thought it.
I didn’t say it. I kept smiling blankly at him as I asked, “I don’t know, Marvin, what is the difference?”
Because I was, after all, the straight woman, and this was penance for some horrible crime I’d committed
in a previous life. As Genghis Khan, apparently.
He looked straight into the camera with his most serious expression and said, “You can’t weather a
tree, but you can climate.”
I stared at him for about two seconds too long for television etiquette, then turned my smile back on
like a porch light and said to the camera, “We’ll be back tomorrow morning with more fun weather facts,
kids!”
Marvin waved. I waved. The red light went out. Kurt and Janie started doing more happychat; they
were about to interview a golden retriever, for some bizarre reason. I gave Marvin the kind of look that
would have gotten me fired if I’d given it on the air, and threw my wet hair over my shoulder to wring it
out like a mop into the ducky pool.
He leaned over to me and, in a whisper, said, “Hey, do you know this one? How is snow white?…
Pretty damn good, according to the seven dwarves. Ha!”
“Your mike is on,” I said, and watched him do the panic dance. His mike really wasn’t, but it was so
nice to see him make that face. The golden retriever, confused, woofed at him and lunged; panic ensued,
both on and off camera. I stepped out of the wading pool and squelched away, past the grinning
stagehands who knew exactly what I’d done and wished they’d thought of it first. I stripped off the wet